The Northern Plight

-MMORPGer (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game… you noob.)

“WTF! Why does school even exist? I don’t see any classrooms or colleges when my Undead Warrior is pwning newbs in the lands of Azeroth. I wish every month could have been like this last one. No school, I got fired from my job, living in my parents basement, all the time in the world. Instead of studying for stupid classes, I spent my days perusing the forums arguing about which is the best spec with which to rock fools in Warsong Gulch. I know all the tricks of the trade, I can even spot a botter from 75 yards away. Don’t think I didn’t report them either. Cheaters never prosper, not in my realm.

While all you were partying and hanging out with your friends, I was in a dark basement listening to the Lord of the Rings audio book I checked out from the library and imported into my iTunes while climbing to the top of my virtual world. When I got bored with making thousands and thousands of Gold from playing the auction house like a fiddle, I lol’d all the way to Goldshire to tear up some lowbies. After about 4 hours of that, the Alliance sent some level 70’s to teach me a lesson. But me and my Sword of a Thousand Truths saw ‘em coming. Lawl, it was a ROFLcoptering massacre. The WHAMbulence had to come pick ‘em up after I was finished with those ally nooblets.

People say I’m not accomplishing anything by playing this game, but I know I am. Besides being the most revered PVPer on the server, I am also the best tank. Averaging 21 hours of game-time a day can do that to ya. I was getting griefed in Shattrah City the other day for not being a team player, but I shut him up right quick. After a comment about his mother, I told him to not drop Oreo crumbs in his keyboard! Thus insinuating that he was a little kid and in turn royaly pissing him off, he tried to /ignore me but I just jumped onto another character and stuck it to him again and again. He’ll never mess with Purpley the Undead Warrior anymore, what a noobsauce. I relayed what I said to my guild, aptly named Your Mom’s My Other Flying Mount (by yours truly), and they were LTAO for like 20 minutes. I’m so fricking L337.

Now it’s all over, another stupid semester of college has arrived. One step closer to getting credentialed and becoming an ordained Youth Pastor. Oh well, responsibility can be a good thing I guess. And if I am going to get a D in all my classes again this semester I will have to cut back my playing time at least in half. Hopefully, I can still stay on the top of my game. Oh and BTW, if anyone is heading towards MOA this weekend, I’m LFG to raid the Apple Store. Real gamers play on PC’s because we’re TC for stupid Noobbooks or PowerLame’s or LamePhone’s. W/E, hopefully I can squeeze in enough WoW to get by. Here’s looking forward to spring break, and the next expansion pack. gtg, L8trs.”

COON RAPIDS, MINNESOTA - Michael Taylor, fresh from a “rejuvenating” 6 months in Sweden, claimed to have found God and himself during his semester at YWAM. A conservative Christian equivalent to a Semester Abroad or a Semester at Sea, DTS has helped young, confused college students find meaning in the world. “I’ve always wanted to visit places.” Taylor exclaimed on his return. “And this was a really good opportunity to strip everything away and start all over.”

When asked about what his experience taught him Taylor replied, “I realized that God always has a plan and that it doesn’t matter where or who you are, he wants to be a part of your life.”

The fervent excitement that his trip instilled in him lasted a record tying 5 and 1/2 days after his return to the states. After promptly emailing local churches to see if they had volunteer opportunities available and reconnecting at Starbucks with old friends and flames, Taylor began to slide back into the same hole he had dug for himself prior to leaving. When asked about his loss of apparent enthusiasm Taylor replied “It’s just hard to readjust to normal life. I just need a few weeks of no responsibility before I start my own devotional group or homeless outreach under the 394/94 exchange overpass.”

A follow up interview a month later was held over the kitchen counter at Taylor’s Parent’s residence in Coon Rapids. When I inquired about how his outreach was coming along Taylor exclaimed “Oh Yeah! I totally forgot about that!” and dove back into his Ramen Noodle Insta-Lunch. After forgetting which Scandinavian country he had lived in for half a year and shuffling through a past-due college reapplication Taylor kindly asked if the interview was over.

Taylor now resides in his parents basement, plans to finally get the band back together and boasts about his Level 28 Undead Rogue in the MMORPG World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. He also has calculated that he will have his trip paid off by mid-March 2013 - Bernstein