The Northern Plight

front page
STUDENT TACTFULLY CHANGES SETTING FROM BAR TO COFFEESHOP WHEN SHARING EVANGELISM STORY

student life
RECENT STUDY REVEALS RA’S SPEND MORE TIME WITH OTHER RA’S THAN OWN FLOOR MATES

politics
CHRISTIAN REPUBLICANS DESPERATELY INVENTING REASONS TO SUPPORT MCCAIN

economics
CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN REFUSES TO CONSERVE BOTH WATER AND ENERGY

opinion:
“TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, I NEVER REALLY CARED WHETHER YOU GRADUATED OR NOT” - Your Financial Aid Office

By: David Lee Cho
Senior Pastoral Studies Major

“Hey there . . . um . . . young lady! How was your summer!”
“What? No of course not. It’s Gabriella right?”

Look, it was a long 3 months ok? And we didn’t talk and I’m not sure if you’re even one of my friends on facebook. I mean, I’ll definitely invite you now, even send you a gift and a friend survey, honest. I really thought you were cool last year and I’d hoped we could continue having our casual acquaintance relationship.

I saw you across the parking lot and I did everything I could to remember your name before you greeted me. I asked my friend Kenny here, but he couldn’t remember either. Look, I’ve got my phone out and I was even scrolling down the list. Your name started with an S, right? I was gonna ask you to call me to double check we still had eachother’s cell numbers (secretly hoping your name would pop up on the caller ID) but you didn’t even give me a chance Donna. Don? Danielle? erm, Dani?

If that didn’t work I was gonna walk with you to Miller Hall talking about myself so as to not reveal how little I know about you. If we’d just made it a little further, you would have taken out your student ID to open the door and I would have asked to see it (cause I have such a HUGE interest in how we looked when we were freshmen). Isn’t it enough that if I didn’t remember your name, I was at least going to go to huge lengths to figure it out Amy, cough* Amanda? Am I even close?

Ok, fine, I’ll just be honest with you. I totally had a crush on you Sophomore year when we had Bible Study Methods together… Sys. Theo. II together, of course. Wait was it you? Maybe Kenny had the crush on you. I can’t remember now. Was it you or your sister?

Look, sometimes I just forget important stuff, so please don’t take it personally. You can forget my name sometime, no really, I won’t even make a big deal about it. Why don’t you gimme a call this week and I’ll take you to coffee. We’ll talk about old times.

Oh what’s that? You’re new here?

Hi my name is David, what’s yours?

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - North Central University is a private Christian college in the heart of Minneapolis. It’s code of conduct is referred to as “The NCU Way” and paints a clear picture of what the school expects from Students, Staff, and Faculty. Activities and lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, use of drugs, dancing, gambling, premarital sexual activity, homosexuality, and swearing are strictly prohibited and ’supposedly’ wreak swift consequences.

Fourth year Junior Jonathon Allford was recently confronted about smelling like tobacco products upon returning home from a nearby Cinema and had to meet with his RA Jonas Fletcher. “I was expecting to get reamed out hardcore about smoking but we actually only talked about that situation for like 30 seconds,” Allford explains, “Then Jonas kept asking me to be a DL (Discipleship Leader) on the floor next year.”

Allford is not the first student whose disciplinary meeting was more similar to an interview than an actual corrective action discussion. “I didn’t even have to write a paper or do housekeeping duties to ‘work off’ getting caught watching an R-Rated movie in the dorms,” one student reflected, “I just said I would think about applying to be in leadership and take the Leadership Development class offered in the Spring.” The purpose behind this way of handling disciplinary action seems to remain unclear.

The Student Development department at North Central declined to comment, but a former member contacted the Northern Plight office and explained that NCU believes very strongly that the best way to help people recover from their ‘wicked ways’ is to put them in charge of their confused and vulnerable peers. Whether or not this tactic is working is still unknown. Though Allford has yet to turn in his application to be a DL and has been reported as having a very “Lysol’y” citrus smell to him. -BERNSTEIN