The Northern Plight

front page:
CHRISTIAN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH LIFTING HANDS DURING CHAPEL IS ONLY ONE LEFT CLAPPING

local:
STREET WITNESS OUTING ENDS IN STUDENTS CONVERSION TO ISLAM

politics:
HOSTESS RELEASES “OBAMA CAKES’ IN ATTEMPT TO MATCH SUCCESS OF “DOLE BANANAS” AND KERRY/”HEINZ KETCHUP”

health:
FRESHMEN WITH BLOODY NOSE SEARCHES FOR SCHOOL NURSE

student life:
STUDENT ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE CHANGES NAME TO “COLLEGIATE OFFICERS CONTROLLING THE COMMOTION” IN EFFORT TO AVOID ‘SACK’ JOKES

technology:
GOOGLE SEARCH FOR RESEARCH ON ‘TROUBLED TEENS’ MORE RISKY THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

opinion:
‘I THINK MY ROOMMATE MIGHT BE GAY, BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BE SURE…” - JAKE SHIMETT

front page:
TEXT MESSAGE SENT DURING CHAPEL

local:
HOT GIRL TO ENROLL IN FALL

politics:
NCU STUDENT SUPPORTS OBAMA JUST TO GET ATTENTION

health:
ALTER CALL PRAYER PARTNER POLITELY OFFERED BREATH MINT

student life:
SENIOR SIPS SUSPICIOUS MALT AND HOP BEVERAGE, GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL

technology:
PROTECTIVE CASE DESTROYS AESTHETIC APPEAL OF HIP NEW GADGET

opinion:
“I NEED A MORE GROWN UP SOUNDING EMAIL ADDRESS” - By wholetthedogsout03@aol.com