The Northern Plight

BULLETIN BOARDS, MINNEAPOLIS - Students, faculty and staff were shocked this weekend to discover their beloved Northern Plight posters ripped from their affixed posts less than 24 hours after being put in place. The popular NCU satire blog received approval on Friday from the Student Life Department to place posters up around school for 2 weeks. So far 3 of those 4 posters have been removed and authorities are stumped as to the cause.

“I just don’t understand why anyone would do this. I spent a long time designing those posters, they even had the new logo and branding I’d been working on.” Explains Marcie Smokingun, lead Art Designer and Promoter for northernplight.com, “They had the stamp from Student Life, my God, they had the stamp!” Smokingun then concluded the interview by bursting into tears, resulting in this reporter feeling slightly anxious since women who cry over little things are uncomfortable to be around.

“At first I thought it was a kidnapping,” added Schroeder Bernstein, also of northernplight.com. “But when no ransom note showed up after a few days, I began to fear the worst. Who knows what those animals have done to my posters!”

As of now, no witnesses have come forward and NCU Security is pessimistic on catching any leads. In an exclusive interview with Officer #7, he revealed “No, we have no idea who ripped down your posters. Stop calling us, ok, this is an emergency number, I told you that already. This isn’t even really our job. No, I’m not going to give you a warrant. And don’t put this on your stupid blog.”

Conjectures abound as to the identity of the poster pirates, but all experts agree on one important detail; whoever it is, they’re probably a jerk.

If you have any information regarding this heinous crime or have seen a big-fat-jerk-face between 5′4″ and 6′8″ wearing an evil smirk and carrying a dead bunny, please notify us at northernplight@gmail.com.

Also, don’t bother sending us tips if you think it was a faculty member. We know they’d never do something this childish. -WOODWARD

‘THAT GUY’ STEERS CLASS DISCUSSION TOWARDS SUBJECT OF OWN EXPERTISE AGAIN
FOR SOME REASON EVERY CLASS YOU’RE IN, MINNEAPOLIS - Resident expert on all things unrelated, Stephen Kohler, left peers speechless yesterday when he killed a class discussion about Paul’s view of women in ministry by first telling a personal story only slightly related to the topic, then rebutting a non-present opponent’s arguments for Calvinism. “His stories are just so specific, I have no idea how to respond,” said one peer who had something interesting to say about cultural variance before completely forgetting it in the midst of Kohler’s monologue. Professor Carvey admits he is helpless in the face of such overwhelming triviality. “It’d be easier to keep the class on subject if Stephen didn’t have a comment on everything I said including ‘good morning’ and ‘please allow someone else to share.’”

NCU TO FIX CAMPUS PARKING PROBLEM BY DECLARING ‘OWNING CAR’ A SIN
ELLIOT AVE., DOWNTOWN - Complaints about limited parking by both residents and commuters this semester have pushed North Central to form a committee to solve the problem. Early reports indicate that the committee will be proposing school legislation outlining the “ownership of a motor vehicle” sinful in the eyes of the Lord, presumably to minimize the amount of cars needing to be parked. The rule will take effect as soon as Student Leadership can be suitably persuaded to act like owning a car isn’t cool anyway. As an extra benefit, the Student Life Department is delighted to have another method for identifying rebellious students simply by paging through parking permit applications for the spring.

ACTS 2:2-4 RETIRES, PENTECOSTALS ACCEPTING RESUMES FOR NEW BANNER PASSAGE
THE ETHER BETWEEN EXEGESIS AND EISEGESIS - “It’s been a good run, and I have no regrets,” said premier passage Acts 2:2-4 through tearful eyes at a retirement party of his closest friends and family. “You Pentecostals have been so good to me over the years, and the wind, fire, and tongues I’ve brought over the past century just isn’t enough to say thank you.” Acts 2:2-4 cites family as his principe reason for leaving full time, vocational quotation. Meanwhile Pentecostal Fellowships around the world struggle to find a new verse to preach on. “Of course we’ll never be able to replace Acts 2:2-4,” says one preacher. “but we’re optimistic we’ll find someone in there [The Bible] that can stand in. We’re optimistic about that young kid Acts 19:6, but I’m just not sure he has the power we need.” Acts 2:2-4 and his wife Acts 1:8 plan on moving back to their hometown of Cleveland.

STUDENT COMPARES EVERY BOOK HE READS TO HATCHET
CARLSON HALL, MINNEAPOLIS - Freshmen Gary Smalley has thus far written two book reports and three in class short answers relating the class text to Gary Paulsen’s high school english staple, Hatchet. “Who knew The Scarlet Letter had so much in common with Hatchet?” says Smalley who admits the Paulsen story of survival in the Canadian wilderness is the only book he read in it’s entirety in high school. “Descriptive language, symbolism, motifs, it’s all there. This is intertextual criticism at its very best!” Smalley is now attempting a similar feat involving “Peter and the Wolf” and his entire Music Theory I curriculum.

ZIMMERMAN PARKING LOT, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - NCU Freshmen Chad Mcelroy was flabergasted today when he discovered his 4th NCU parking ticket in as many days affixed to his windshield. “I honestly thought I did it right this time. The permit was visible, I parked in the commuter lot, I even left a small gift basket behind the wheel like the NCU Security Website suggested,” Mcelroy said in an exclusive interview, “The ticket says the cause was ‘Just For The Hell Of It.’ Does that mean I needed to check in first?”

Mcelroy received his first ticket his first day at North Central during welcome week while unloading his vehicle to move into Carlson Hall. “I didn’t have a Special Guest Parking Pass” he explained. The second ticket was received 20 minutes after the first ticket for “Still Not Having a Special Guest Parking Pass.” The third ticket came the next day after Mcelroy had registered improperly for his parking pass. “Apparently, they weren’t sure if it was my car because even though the description and license matched, I’d forgot to tell them I was missing a hubcap.”

“We can’t be too lenient with parking.” Said Officer #7 who was responsible for Mcelroy’s fourth ticket, “While it’s true that these lots are rarely full and that we could make everyone’s lives a lot easier by being a little more reasonable; NCU Security can’t afford to let students and staff abuse the authority of the law. That’s why we’re here, you know, to abuse authority and make up the law.”

The NCU security office, who has received criticism in the past for being fickle, overly legalistic, and inflexible in special circumstances, refused to comment over the phone, stating they couldn’t find a record of our inquiry on paper. - Woodward

front page:
SOPHOMORE COUPLE CAUGHT ‘SPEAKING IN TONGUES’ IN CHAPEL

nation:
NEW “PRAY AND GO” CAR SEAT UNVEILED, PUTS DRIVER ON BENDED KNEE

world:
KAZAKHSTAN NEW MISSIONARY HOTSPOT, ALL THANKS TO ‘BORAT’

local:
ROOKIE NCU SECURITY BOOTS OWN CAR

sports:
NEW GROUP OF EX-HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS TRY IT AGAIN THIS YEAR

opinion:
“I CAN SING LOUDER AND BETTER WHILE WALKING DOWN THE HALLS THAN YOU.” -BETHANY