The Northern Plight

I was thinking about this today on my way to class. Not quite satirical but mildly entertaining.

Creed- We all fell for it. Don’t even try and lie. The first time you heard “Higher” and saw Scott Stapp throw his arms out you were duped too. The behind the music special didn’t help much either. Just because someone grows up AG and had to write the book of Psalms in its entirety every time they got in trouble does not make them a Christian. Even though the music wasn’t full of curse words and drug references, Stapp’s life sure was. I bought so many wife-beaters because of that guy, what a let down.

Lifehouse- Just because a band sounds, looks, and writes songs like a worship band doesn’t mean they are one. What Lifehouse had going for them was the fact that they could write really ubiquitous lyrics about girls and have a crap load of Christians think they were about God. Lifehouse is second only to Nickleback in rewriting the exact same song over and over again and just changing the lyrics. Hooray for the G and/or E chord progression and singing through your teeth!

MuteMath- I am not a huge music snob, but I do like to do a little research on bands I go to see in concert. A few of MuteMath’s members were formally in a Christian band, weren’t making any money, and formed a new group trying to avoid at all costs a Christian labeling. The lead singer is more of an Atheist than a Christian now. This didn’t detour like 15 people “worshiping” at their concert at the Fine Line a few months ago. So basically they were worshiping an Atheist’s sermon.

I could go on to list acts like Coldplay, U2, etc. But you guys get the idea.

36%- Can’t stand watching bass player fall in love with himself all over again.

24%- So you can be first in line for the cafeteria

17%- Family Feud is just way too awesome to pass up.

13%- Jeff Deyo wasn’t worth having to put pants on.

6%- Sticking it to the man. Bethel’s Chapel service isn’t mandatory why is ours?

4%- Still can’t stop nose bleed from Phillipps Boxing Tourney last night.

front page:
FIFTH YEAR SENIOR ASTONISHED HE’S STILL IN COLLEGE

lifestyle:
VIRTUALLY UNKNOWN BAND RELEASES ‘GREATEST HITS’ ALBUM

local:
FRESHMEN DOWNTOWN WORKER DESPERATE TO AVOID TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

technology:
FINAL LEVEL OF HALO 3 STOLEN FROM MEGA MAN IV

world:
IRAQ WAR BLAMED FOR ANOTHER OBSCURE SOCIAL ILL

opinion:
“THE CHAPEL ALTER IS A GREAT PLACE TO MEET CHICKS” - Chase Mcdermont

TRASK WORSHIP CENTER, NORTH CENTRAL UNIVERSITY, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprise move no one expected, another North Central Music Performance major will release a worship music album. After several unsuccessful attempts at creating legitimate music, Senior Michael Salvinski plans on recording what he is calling, “an acoustic cross between U2 and Steven Curtis Chapman.”

Salvinski, who started writing music for music’s sake in high school while teaching himself guitar, first tasted worship music recognition at his high school youth group back home in Madison, WI where he gained popularity for being able to “play that guitar solo just like the Sonicflood version.” However, it wasn’t until Salvinski burned all of his non-Christian music at a youth group bonfire his junior year of high school, that he recognized the potential for Christian music stardom. “After I destroyed everything from my collection not produced by Sparrow Records, I discovered all sorts of Christian bands that copied the artists I’d liked before. There was a Christian version of Coldplay, Dave Matthews Band, and The Counting Crows.”

Salvinski’s unprecedented landmark decision, which is all the rage these days, came after an especially uplifting Sunday morning church service when Salvinski led the congregation in a rousing Hillsong ballad. “That’s when I realized it was much easier to play music for church audiences, since little things win them over. All you have to do is play with your eyes closed and improvise lyrics like ‘you are everything’ and ‘all I want is you.’

Salvinski’s new album, “God Is Higher” featuring hit single, “You Are Everything” is set to release next fall. - Woodward