The Northern Plight

By: The Holy Bible
Musical Inspiration Specialist

“You have to admit, I had a pretty good run. I mean seriously, over 2,000 years of being one of the most influential works in the music business. I had a hand in the writing of almost every number 1 hit since the inception of radio. Except, of course, for that stupid “Spiderwebs” song by that No Duh band, who knows what inspired that. But I have to call it quits, I have nothing left to give.

I’m just worn out, I’ve been poked and prodded, mis-quoted and misrepresented, my words have been mistranslated and bastardized, I’m honestly surprised I made it this far. I almost threw in the hat a few years ago when that Scott Stapp douche bag gave the Psalms in me credit for his piece of crap songs. I wouldn’t be caught read with the phrase “With Arms Wide Open” residing on my pages.

I plan on just relaxing for a few hundred years, enjoying life without the blinding glare of credit or the pain that comes with plagiarism. I need to get my focus back on what I really enjoy doing… sitting in the front room on a hardly used end table, waiting for the grandkids to use me as a weight for their blanket fort. It seriously doesn’t get better than that.

I plan on donating all my money to GLAAD. I swear they spend more time reading me (in search of loopholes), then conservative Christian ministers (looking for a reason to raise tithing up a notch to 15%). Oh well, maybe the Koran or the Book of Mormon can step it up a bit, they’ve been ready to take the reigns for awhile. I don’t think you will miss me as much as you think though, you’ve already been rewriting hymns for like 50 years, just keep doing that, no one seems to notice.”

-The Holy Bible

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - Recently at North Central University, the worship band designated to lead music during the majority of the mandatory chapel services has grown increasingly fed up with their audience. “They just don’t take us literally when we say to hold the applause ‘til we’re finished with the song. When everyone tries clapping during the song, it just throws the groove off,” explains the Worship Live bassist.

Another problem that has arisen for Worship Live is it seems most people are not even paying attention to them. “Half of the concert hall has their eyes closed while they’re reaching out to us. The support is nice but honestly, we want all your attention not just half of it,” added their drummer.

Worship Live is a group of students plucked from the ranks of mainly Music Majors to perform almost everyday at 11:00 AM at the Trask Worship Center on the NCU campus. They represent the best of the best at NCU, if not just the ones with the most time on their hands. This lack of enthusiasm towards their performances has become a growing concern for the members and organizers of the group.

“With the record industry in such a state of distress, live shows are the best way to judge if your music is actually reaching people. CD sales and Billboard charts are almost meaningless.” A North Central Music Professor states. “If Worship Live isn’t getting their support during Chapel they may as well just forget about getting the funding to cut a record this year.”

So with the fate of this year’s Worship Live up in the air, the group has been scouring the internet and Christian Book stores for all the Hillsong CD’s they can find. The acoustic guitarist explains, “We have to hit ‘em hard, and nothing does that like a song written in Australia that is extremely overused during the summer camp season.” - BERNSTEIN