The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA-The altar at NCU has been a place of repentance, grace, and mercy for the past 80 years. Accepting its role as the soaker up of tears, it has been a place that thousands of students have “rededicated” their lives to God. But this former platform for promises has announced that it is sick and tired of being simply a throne for lies.

“It wasn’t always this way.” The altar explains, “People used to actually change, now they just pour out their hearts, ask for forgiveness, then forget about everything on their way to lunch. I can’t carry this burden anymore.”

 The altar doesn’t only blame the students. Also pointing the finger at chapel speakers, the worship band, and just a general decline in authenticity in the Christian culture. ”I’ve witnessed the most pathetic me calls ever.” The Altar continues, “This one missionary didn’t even call out specific issues. He just commanded everyone who had been hurt by their friends at some point to come down to me and pray. You’d think he was getting paid per response.”

The NCU altar has been joined by thousands of other Christian College and church altars all around the nation. All of them fed up with the overall increase in broken promises being spouted through tears of deceit. After witnessing the success of the Writers Guild of America strike, the altars intend to institute a strike of their own. They plan to picket outside of the AG Headquaters in Springfield, MO until their demand for honesty, integrity, and authenticity on the part of their patrons are met. 

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - When Evan Pentington from Obscure Bible Reference Ministries International contacted me seeking an interview, I was overwhelmed by our fortune. The Northern Plight had reached a point where major organizations in the realms of ministry both at home and abroad were seeking us out to get the word out on their projects. If you’re unfamiliar with Evan Pentinington and OBRMI, so was I. But I’ll let the transcript of our meeting at a local, trendy independent coffee shop introduce him to you.

Linus Woodward: Mr. Pentington thank you so much for meeting with me today. You have no idea what an honor it is for a little blog like ours to have an exclusive interview with someone in your position.

Evan Pentington: The pleasure is all mine, Leonard. I’ve enjoyed reading your Christian magazine or major online news source ever since its inception in (checking his notes) 2007.

LW: You must do these kinds of interviews often.

EP: Only because OBRMI’s message of spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ, shaking the nations, and being a light is so important.

LW: So why don’t you tell me a little bit about Obscure Bible Reference Ministries International. Is this an organization you founded?

EP: OBRMI started out of a vision I had for making Jesus famous in this land. We live in a hurting world, Linwood, and in the Bible Jesus tells us that if we don’t reach out to that hurting world and make it an unhurting world, than he’ll have to die on a cross. That’s the vision of OBRMI. To see every soul won for the cause of Christ.

LW: I suppose I don’t understand exactly. Is your organization primarily evangelistic in nature, or is it like a social gospel thing?

EP: I’m happy you asked, because really were both. But were also neither. Obscure Bible Reference isn’t about labels, Lionel. Some people call us Evangelistic, some call us Social goggle, some even call us the nectar of Heaven in a non-profit skin. But that’s not really what it’s about. It doesn’t really matter what people think we do with the money they donate to us, as long as somewhere, someone is being a planet shaker, doing what Jesus would do, and we have a cool logo and a website.

LW: Let’s talk about the website. I checked it out yesterday and…

EP: Did you join our email newsletter list?

LW: Yes, you sent me a prayer card, a pdf of a picture of Jesus holding a lamb that looked like you scanned it from a coloring book, and a computer virus.

EP: But we have a flash intro.

LW: Yes, that was my problem. I couldn’t really find out anything about OBRMI. It was just a flash animation on a continuous loop playing Hillsong music and a display of various startling stats from around the world zooming across the screen.

EP: I bet you never realized that 9 out of 10 of all Albanians have never heard of OBRMI.

LW: What does that name even mean? Obscure Bible Reference? And why do you have International on it? Do you even own a passport?

EP: Well, I’m glad you asked Lewis. At first, our name was Balaam’s Ass Ministries, but we got into copyright trouble with a feed company. Then it was Jaazaniah Son Of Azzur International. This name is taken from Ezekiel 11, where it says Jaazaniah was a leader among the people, which is something we thought we’d like to represent us. Eventually we just kind of threw them both together. We feel that it’s a name that really represents the 2 core values of our organization.

LW: Ambiguity and misdirection?

EP: Sounding Important and Relationships

LW: What is it that you do anyway? Why are you here in Minneapolis?

EP: It’s simple Lenny, I do the will of God. Today, God tells me to have a meeting with a concerned-looking reportery person like you, tomorrow he might tell me to set up a booth at your school, Northcenter, and ask impressionable college kids to join my ministry. You see the will of God is a lot like this plush chair. It contours to your body when you sit in it but it never stops being a chair. And that’s the key, it never stops being a chair. Remember what Moses said about the will of God? It’s not what you can do for the will of God but what the will of God can do for you.

LW: Mr. Pentington that makes absolutely no sense and I’m almost certain is heresy. Frankly, all you’ve done for the past 20 minutes is string together Christian buzzwords, praise a vague institution you claim to have founded that meets needs in the world, and call me no less than 5 first names; none of which are my own.

EP: You know you seem like an intelligent young man, Leroy. How’d you like to intern with me next summer?

LW: This interview is over.