The Northern Plight

BIBLE BELT, USA- Not to lose stride with Catholicism, who last month issued a list of 7 social sins to exist alongside the original 7 deadly sins, Pentecostals are now accepting ideas for an eleventh commandment. Here are a few early favorites for the coveted spot accompanied by some quick explanations

*Thou shalt not use substitutes that shadow a true evil.

(Basically everything is off limits. Fake swear words like frick, dang, rats, crud, and spit? Unacceptable. Drinking anything labeled a Soft-Drink? Unacceptable. Pre-Marital Masturbation? Don’t even think about it. Anything that is even close to looking, tasting, or acting like a sin is off limits.)

*Thou shalt hold no American Idol’s above Kelly Clarkson.

(She is the one true American Idol. Carrie Underwood is pretty good looking and moderately talented. I’d say if Kelly was God, Carrie would definitely be Lucifer. Following this illustration Pop Music would be Heaven and Country Music would be Hell.)

*Thou shalt ne’er use the Golden Rule as an excuse to hit someone back.

(We’ve all tried it. Got smacked by a friend and slapped them back. Then using “Do unto others as they do unto you” as justification. Their rebuttal was usually “Don’t strike back’ is in the Bible too!” or “Turn the other cheek.” This is just further proof that you can manipulate scripture to support anything you damn well please.

*Thou shalt legalize Marijuana.

(The argument that “God made it, so how can it be wrong?” comes to fruition. A survey showed that everyone who has voted for this particular one also voted for “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band to replace “Amazing Grace” as the most popular Hymn.)

*Thou shalt…

(It’s your turn)

-Bernstein

GLBT RUN CHAPEL A BIT AWKWARD

Last week at NCU, gay rights group GLBT slipped under the radar and gained creative control over Wednesday’s chapel service. Thoughout the year, many different student factions get to run a few pre-determined chapels services. There are missions chapel’s, NCSA chapel’s, Department chapel’s, Surprise chapel’s, etc. With all this planning commotion it is easy to see how GLBT slipped through the cracks. After the initial shock wore off, the staff and faculty swallowed their pride and went up on stage for a spirited rendition of “His Banner Over Me is Love” sung hand in hand with the GLBTers.

JUNIOR FORGOT IT WAS OPEN DORMS

Despite it being his third year living in Phillips Hall, Junior Jared Lumbar, “totally spaced” the fact that it was open dorms Friday night at around 6:23PM. Upon exiting his suite shower room completely naked, he was thrust into the reality of his situation by a blood curdling scream. Sophomore Vanessa Heddles, was seen running and crying down the 2 West hallway whimpering “I wanted to wait until I was married!”. Lumbar, simply laughed, farted, and went about his usual grooming routine, which is applying a hearty amount of AXE Phoenix Deodorant spray.

PASTOR’S DAUGHTER LOSES SECOND VIRGINITY FOR THE THIRD TIME

A small town’s pride and joy lost her ’second virginity’ for a third time this past weekend after a long night of binge drinking and secondhand marijuana smoke. Upon arriving at an “old friends” fraternity house late Saturday evening, Ashley Carthidge, stuck to her no drinking plan for about 13 minutes before she accidentally took four shots of what she thought was Lipton’s Iced Tea. With blotchy memories of bongs, underwear, and some boy named Brandon from Wisconsin, the next thing she remembered was waking up on the floor half clothed and clutching a Pizza Hut box. Upon staggering back into NCU, she quickly got dolled up, and drove the 45 minutes to lead worship at her father’s church in Cambridge.