The Northern Plight

“Frankly, in order to make a real difference, we’re all going to have to make sacrifices. Oh, could you please pass the cream sauce? - Lifelong Evangelical Christian Leonard White

EDINA, MN - Sam and Hannah Kannon finally got together for dinner with their friends Leonard and Julianne White last Friday night. The long time attenders of First Assembly Tabernacle had been discussing spending time together ever since Martha and Julianne ran into each other unexpectedly in the condiment aisle of Byerly’s 3 years ago. The evening’s conversation topics ranged from the warranty on Leonard’s new Buick to the recipe for the meringue on the dessert. As the main course was served, talk turned to more serious items like politics, religion, and eventually, the situation of world poverty.

“Well, that missionary last Sunday just broke my heart with his video of all those hungry Africans,” said Julianne White as she lit the candles in the table’s centerpiece. “We wrote him a check so he can give all those poor kids some Bibles.”

“I think part of the offering also went to building a school in a remote village,” added Hannah Kannon.

Leonard White cleared his throat gruffly, and complained, “It’s too bad about that school. After all, what’s the point of feeding people or teaching them to read if they’re just going to go to hell anyway?”

This seemed to end the line of conversation until Sam Kannon inquired whether or not meeting physical needs might make people more receptive to hearing what could meet their spiritual needs.

“I suppose that might work,” responded Julianne White. “But then we’d have to buy a lot of food to give away, wouldn’t we?” She added after offering her guests more potatoes.

Leonard paused for a moment before pronouncing thoughtfully, “I see your point but it all just sounds too Catholic to me. We can’t afford to make the Gospel a good works thing. I mean, it’s not like Jesus wasted time feeding people or providing medical help when there was a sermon to be preached.”

A few moments later Hannah began explaining how at times Jesus’ gospel seemed to be a two fold message of promising a fuller life both now and after death when Leonard interrupted by explaining how Jesus also said we’d always have the poor with us so it was better not to worry too much about trying to help them.

The discussion subject then changed to the unusual amount of storms the Twin Cities had been experiencing recently and the dinner continued without incident. The Kannons left around 10:30 that evening with promises of getting together again soon, and both couples later told reporters how delicious the lemon meringue was. - WOODWARD

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.

“I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don’t repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever.” Innock told reporters later that day, “I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?”

Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn’t support it.

“That’s kind of what bothered me,” Innock said later, “I’m not sure yet, but I think there’s a strong case to at least talk about it.” Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that “the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb,” and to Malachi 4 where it states “the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch.”

It was at this point what has since been called “The Pause” descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. “It was horrible,” said one student, “One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed.”

“It’s not what we believe in the AG,” was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn’t come up again for the remainder of the class period. “I would’ve liked to at least discussed it,” said one Senior after, “if only to be sure of what I already believe.”

In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. “I hope no one thinks I’m a universalist or worse, a liberal for this,” Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.

Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD

POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!