The Northern Plight

The plight was born out of some sly chat between Bernstein and I while reading the Onion in a coffee shop in Minneapolis last summer. Giggling to each other noisily and probably annoying everyone around us, we dreamed innocently of our own “NCU Onion.” It was Bernstein who first put our prattling jokes into actual stories and me who got it all into a blog.

I still have the crumpled piece of yellow legal paper where I wrote my first six headlines, 2 of which made it on the site as “Student Can’t Hack It As A Rock Star, Releases Worship Album” and “2 NCU Students Slain In Spirit, Funerals Monday.” I remember writing them in the confused twilight somewhere over the Atlantic while coming home from a missions trip. I had no idea what that sheet of paper would become.

That was less than a year ago, but the nostalgia and the unexpected success of our blog makes it feel so much further.

Let me apologize for my silence recently. I haven’t posted in over a month and it’s largely due to my own impending graduation. In the past my mind defaulted to thinking of funny ways to say things everyone knew about NCU—but simply didn’t know they knew about NCU. But recently, idle thinking has given rise to more pressing matters like growing up and all that. It’s exciting, certainly, but I still do miss my fervor at the keys in the early hours of the morning, editing and re-editing the scathing details of some poignant article I’d just crafted.

After returning from Spring Break, I felt my satire sense waning. Many of the things that used to annoy me at North Central actually emerged as mostly harmless, and even strangely endearing in their own way. Alumni readers might know what I mean but I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s like living away from home for a few months, than coming back on a visit and finding the creaky stair, the neighbor’s noisy dog, and your mother’s scolding look at your muddy shoes on the carpet, all make you happy—though you recall very clearly they’re once making you upset.

I’m not graduated yet, nor has the abundance of plight fodder ceased to seep from NCU’s policies and characters. But I simply feel like my time with The Northern Plight has come to an end.

I can honestly say there’s nothing I posted on this site that goes against the mission statement we outlined from the beginning:

The Northern Plight exists to create healthy conversation with
the intent of generating positive change at North Central University.

That’s one reason that the plight is easily one of the top five things I’m most proud of from my four years at NCU (two of the other things being feats I accomplished naked or near naked while living in the dorms).

Thank you for reading all this crazy stuff that I wrote. Especially those of you who’ve been reading since the beginning. I hope to be a writer some day, and your support has encouraged me to continue practicing.

I leave you now in the capable hands of my cohort, Schroeder Bernstein. As always, be awesome.

Yours,

Linus Woodward

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WOODWARD’S FAVORITE PLIGHT MOMENTS:
My First Controversial Article
NCU Institution Backlash (Did you know they banned us from advertising on campus?)
My Most Underrated Article
Bernstein’s Most Underrated Article
That Frickin’ Emo Article (It still gets more hits than any other post on the site!)
I Always Liked This One (Not sure why)
1 + 2 + 3 (3 posts I wrote that actually meant something.)

THE ROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL, MINNEAPOLIS - Coming back from Thanksgiving break, the North Central University Registrar’s Office has announced its plans for implementing 5 new pointless forms for students and faculty to be responsible for. The announcement fits into the grand plan outlined by Registrar earlier this year for increasing busy work by 25%, doubling red tape counts, and decreasing overall student’s graduation rate by the year’s end.

In a press conference earlier this week, a spokesperson for the Registrar’s Office explained the reasoning behind the new additions. “We feel students are simply getting too used to our processes. Some are even showing up at our office with all the necessary forms already completed, with the regretfully sensible result of their requests being processed and approved promptly, without leftover hoops through which they’ll need to jump. As we’ve designed the registration process to be as arduous and complicated as possible, this simply can not continue.”

The announcement is a disappointing one for many students and faculty, who feel The Registrar’s Office should instead make it their goal to turn students into graduates as painlessly as possible. But such goals are “idealistic,” says one Registrar Team Member. “Painless graduation would dramatically decrease our paperwork, and then what would I have to file all day?”

FORMS TO BE ADDED THIS WEEK INCLUDE:

1. Extension Approval Form - Salmon
This form must be filled out by student and approved by a professor before the instructor can grant you an extension for a homework assignment. It is designed to monitor student procrastination.

2. Chapel Attendance Approval Form - Cantaloupe
This form must be filled out by every student who is planning on attending chapel at all this semester. As chapel attendance is required, every student will need to fill this out. Must be approved by a professor who’s name begins with C. It is designed to make sure students want to attend chapel enough to fill out a form in order to do it.

3. Change of Major Confirmation Form - Honeydew
After filling out the various forms necessary for changing your major, it will be necessary to fill out this form, just to make sure it’s what you really want to do. Must be signed by a former secretary in the Student Accounts office who now lives in New Hampshire. Faxed Copies not accepted. It is designed to discourage people from changing their major, since what they picked when they were an ignorant freshmen is probably the best plan.

4. Form Submittal Form - Carnation
This form must be submitted with all other forms being turned into the Registrar’s office, along with photocopies of all forms with which it is attached. Must be signed by yourself, 8 times in various locations. It is designed to drive you mad.

5. Mystery Form - Lavender
This form must be submitted at some point, for some reason, to someone at the Registrar’s Office. Students will be expected to complete this form appropriately without proper direction or prior notification. Must be signed by a specific person Registrar has chosen but will not tell you, whom is unaware of their election to the role. It is designed just for fun.

- WOODWARD

CHECK OUT THE NEW GUEST EDITORIAL CONTEST

By Guest Editorialist Ed Rockwell

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - It seems as though more and more North Central graduating seniors and other students are growing very keen on “staying around” NCU after they graduate. Dan Wyler is one of them.

“You know,” said Wyler, a senior Youth Developmental Studies major. “If I don’t get a job right away after I graduate, it’s okay. There are plenty of opportunities here at good ol’ NCU.”

Wyler pointed to the official “NCU JOBS” posting just outside of the security office and explained that he would be perfect for the “Administrative Assistant” position that is currently vacant in the Advancement office because he can type 60 words-per-minute from his many years of practice on AOL instant messaging, and because many of his student leaders have recently commented on his “outstanding organizational and leadership abilities.”

“I developed those from my minor in Leadership. It’s totally on my résumé, too!” Wyler added.

Sarah Koppelstein, a junior and an Interdisciplinary Studies major, is actually planning on staying at NCU as her full-time vocation.

“Housekeeping, Plant, Security, you name it! NCU has something for everyone!” she commented, running her fingers through her curly blonde hair. “It’s great for people like me because even if NCU didn’t adequately prepare us for life in the real world, at least they have this awesome safety net!”

Matt Blackwell, Assistant Student Leadership Personnel Administrative Overseer is a graduate of NCU’s class of ’02. “I’m thrilled to still be at NCU. It’s nice to still be in this nurturing Christian bubble with some of my fellow graduates. What’s more, I know that God has called me to this role for this time in my life to serve, if for no other purpose, as a model for other NCU graduating seniors with dreams and aspirations and absolutely no direction whatsoever. That was me, and now I’m here and I’m thriving!”

When asked what his “dreams and aspirations” had been before he graduated, Blackwell replied, “You know, it doesn’t even matter anymore because this is what I know God had for me. I don’t remember any of them anymore.” Blackwell is counting on his Bachelor of Arts in Biblical Languages to provide heavy leverage on the “powers that be” regarding his upcoming interview for a promotion to the position of “Dean of deans.”

The fad of graduating students’ assimilation into the NCU internal professional environment has been steadily increasing since Blackwell’s acceptance of his position, yet some students are adamantly against the practice. Eugene Roberts, sophomore and Business major, recognizes a distressing feature of the trend.

“Tuition costs at NCU keep rising for exactly this reason,” he claimed. “These ex-NCU students assuming jobs at NCU not only prevents the school from hiring more qualified prospects but also serves to raise tuition costs because the school has no reserved finances to pay for the six or seven new ‘positions’ they create every year.”

Bill Benjamin agreed with Roberts. “They think they’re helping current students by becoming a part of NCU’s team, but really they’re only costing the students more money and ultimately hurting themselves, their peers and the school in the long run,” said the junior Pastoral Studies major.

Nevertheless, many students press on toward their future glory with blind faith in the institution and themselves as the perfect candidates for the numerous open positions waiting to be filled, or in many cases, created.

Wyler said, “I could probably convince Student Life to make the position of ARD a full-time job. I hang out in there a lot because I’ve got some chapel fines I need taken care of, so I know lots of people there really well.”

“I can’t wait to tell my mom!” he added. “She worked so hard to build up her credit to get student loans and save money for me to pay off some of my expenses…I know she’ll be thrilled to hear that it wasn’t all in vain!”

“Oh my gosh!” Koppelstein exclaimed. “I didn’t even think about my future as the director of the NCU Nursery and Daycare Center we should open up in Centennial!”

According to Koppelstein, she knows “like, a hundred students” who are pregnant right now or are at least engaged and will eventually need such a ministry to enable their educational careers to continue. “I chose Centennial for two reasons: it’s big and NCU never uses it for anything!”

As graduating seniors are faced with the adventure of boldly breaking out of North Central’s comfortable shell of Christianity and into the real world of hard work and no summer vacations or the option to stay at North Central as lifetime indentured servants, only one thing is certain, says Blackwell: “North Central is ‘Clearly Superior.’” - ROCKWELL

THE CORNER OF ELLIOT AVE AND HIGH EXPECTATIONS, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - With the 2007 - 2008 academic year swiftly approaching commencement, no one is more anxious to begin than the Freshman class of 2012. Precarious cinder-block stacked furniture, inaugural high fives with Thomas, and wandering eyes for the opposite sex abounded this week as hundreds of first years destined for graduation, transfer, or dropout piled into Northcentral dormitories. For most students, college is the first time they will live outside of their parents’ homes and bear new levels of responsibility. Despite their limited experience, many freshmen have already gathered ideas on what the next year has for them.

“I’ll probably have some early academic enthusiasm that will taper off somewhere in mid-October after the first time I stay up all night for no reason,” said Youth Development Major Nick Sarafan as he carried a box of XBox components into his Carlson dorm room. “I mean, hey, it’s college dude, no parents!”

“I’ve already written three songs about girls I’ve seen walk down those stairs,” said one Music Performance Major seated in the Phillipps Hall with his acoustic guitar balanced on his knee. “I’ve got big plans to fall in love with the first girl that shows me a little attention and hastily bring about an engagement before January, only to have it break off in the spring when God calls her to be a missionary in Mongolia.”

Some students have dreams of their college experience extending outside the borders of Northcentral. “God’s going to use me to bring Minneapolis to its knees in prayer!” exclaimed ecstatic Freshmen Evangelism major William Kraker arranging his Nooma videos in numerical order in his new Phillipps dorm room. “I’m not being metaphorical here, honest. Every single person on the streets on this city will be praising His name by Spring, you’ll see. Now, where are my Books of Hope?”

William’s randomly assigned roommate arrived later smelling of tobacco and Orbitz gum. “I”ll have a rebellious attitude most of first semester and criticize Northcentral’s strict rules. Frankly, I’m just too apathetic to stand up to my conservative parents who think this school will straighten me out,” he muttered after calling dibs on the bottom bunk. “I hope they gave me a cool roommate,” he added.

Amidst the varied voices describing their assorted hopes and fears, the response of freshmen Elementary Education Major Nicole Wiseman seemed exceptionally unique. “I think I’ll just try to take what’s good and leave the stuff that’s bad,” she told reporters calmly. “I’m sure I’ll make some great friendships but I wont let them get in the way of my education, after all that’s why I’m here.” As for the rules, Nicole says she can’t complain. “I chose to go to this school, if I’m taking everything else, I’ve gotta take the rules too.” Nicole concluded the interview smiling with some clarification, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to change some of the old thinking and unfair stereotypes around here. Some of those rules are pretty silly!” - WOODWARD