The Northern Plight

CARLSON HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Sophomore Business Major Stephen Daedalus was furious yesterday to discover he was finally being put on Chapel Probation by North Central University, after repeated verbal and written warnings. According to witnesses, Daedalus stumbled out of bed at the usual hour of 11:30AM and wandered down to the mailboxes yawning, when he first discovered the letter. “This is so unfair!” Daedalus was heard yelling to no one in particular while wiping dried drool from his night shirt, “I hate this school!”

Stephen has since been seen venting his frustrations in such locales as the student life office, facebook message boards, and to customers at Caribou Coffee where he is currently employed. “I told him he was getting close to the end of his skips,” Stephen’s roommate Vincent Heron told reporters later that day, “I think Student Life even set up a meeting with Stephen to talk about how he might avoid probation but I think he ended up sleeping through it.”

The unmade bed where Daedalus reportedly spent more then 60% of chapels last year

Jay Joy, representative of the Student Life Dept. at North Central University, issued a statement this morning. “I did everything I could to help Stephen but he ignored everything I tried. It was perfectly clear he was headed for probation but it didn’t seem like he cared until yesterday.”

After the press conference, Daedalus told reporters he was pressing harassment charges against North Central for what he calls “ceaseless phone calls, letters, and impromptu hallway meetings all designed to prevent me from getting a good morning’s sleep.” - Woodward