The Northern Plight

front page:

WORSHIP FLAG WAVER TRIPS, IMPALES CHAPEL SPEAKER

local:

GOOD LOOKING FRESHMEN GIRL SINGLE FOR RECORD 14 MINUTES

sports:

POST BASKETBALL GAME PRAYER BOYCOTTED BY LOSING TEAM

arts and entertainment:

NCU SPRING PLAY SETS OPENING NIGHT ATTENDANCE RECORD OF 5

technology:

JUNIOR HUSSIE’S “JESUS IS MY BOYFRIEND” FACEBOOK QUOTE FOUND IRONIC

opinion:

“MY SCIENCE TEACHER SEEMS INTELLIGENT, BUT I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD SHE’S SAYING” -ANDY WYANT

PREACHER UTILIZES MOVIE CLIP EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN TO ILLUSTRATE POINT EVERYONE HAS ALREADY HEARD
FIRST EVANGELICAL CHURCH OF SOMEWHERE: After waiting for what seemed like ages for the sound man to get his act together, members of “New Hope Life Christ Center of God in the Valley” in St. Louis Park were treated to a pixelated, awkwardly framed scene from 1999’s “The Matrix.” You know, the part where Neo needs to choose between the red and blue pill, remember that part? Yeah. Of course you do. The scene was used as ‘creative appeal’ for ‘those artsy types’ to illustrate how we are faced with a decision between two worlds when we follow Christ, or something.

MINNEAPOLIS RANKED #1 FOR CITIES WHERE SMALL-TOWN, MIDWESTERN 20-SOMETHINGS GO TO GET HIP, LIBERAL
THE ELLIOTTS, MINNEAPOLIS - A recent study conducted by two super seniors at North Central University indicates that Minneapolis is the #1 city for the children of stoic, conservative, scandinavian-descended parents, to discover their own progressive leanings. Josiah Moore from Bloomer, WI pioneered the study when he sipped his Chianti, straightened his “Republicans For Obama” pin and remarked that his mom would probably kill him if she saw him right now. Josiah’s roommate, Caleb Reumann of Presho, South Dakota agreed and wondered aloud what his dad would think of that essay he’d written last semester about the book of Jonah being a parable and not actually happening. Both students agreed they’d never have arrived at such ideas at home and owed it all to their visits to Uptown, late night conversations in dim coffeeshops, and the influx of political bumper stickers rampant throughout the city.

SOPHOMORE OVER ANALYZES RESPONSE ON CRUSH’S FACEBOOK WALL
FLIRT DE ELECTRONIC, MN - Sophomore Tim Nieman has had a crush on freshmen Cassie Larson ever since he read her “note” about worshipping God with a pure heart last October. Last Thursday, the relationship escalated when Cassie left a message on Tim’s facebook wall, “thanks for the text message today!” After 18 minutes of agonizing over her initial message, sophomore Tim Nieman finally settled on, “your super welcome! sending texts are the best because they let you communicate without talking” as his response. “It’s enthusiastic yet non challant, but still informative” Nieman told reporters. He’s utilized facebook social dynamics to glean such vital information as Cassie’s cell number, her favorite Disney movies, and the degree to which she despises Foundations of Leadership. Nieman went on further to explain, “I wanted to let her know that I was happy that she was happy that I sent her a text. But I didn’t want to appear over eager or desperate. I left a few letters uncapitalized that should’ve been capitalized as if I wrote it really quick without thinking. My favorite part is the implied message underneath it all: that she should send me a text too.”

 - WOODWARD

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- It’s that time of year! Valentines Day is right around the corner. The hope of warmer weather is blasting our psyche with thoughts of picnics, kites, and making out in that parking lot by The Quarry. So here are a few tips and tricks to kick your new romance into high gear.

Survival Tip #1-A car is a must have for any relationship to be successful. With the strict guidelines at NCU, sometimes the back seat of your roommates pick-up truck is the only place to get a little one on one time. It also has the ability to mobilize and bring you to places that are too far to walk, like restaurants, bowling alleys, petting zoos, and of course apple orchards.

Survival Tip #2- No canoodeling in the common areas. We totally understand the lack of options you have to swap shoulder rubs and watch movies, but please, please spare us. I go to Clay Commons to talk really loud about something awesome I did with the hopes that someone really attractive overhears me and falls in love, not to watch you spoon in the corner.

Survival Tip #3- Always hold hands throughout the entirety of all chapel services. This includes worship. Recent studies have shown that when two people who really love each other hold hands while praising, their praise output triples. “With your powers combined!”

Survival Tip #4- Premarital sexual intercourse is only wrong if you don’t feel bad about it afterwards. So as long as you are positive you’ll regret it and repent later you’re good to go! And when asking for forgiveness from Jesus, make sure you’re not thinking about the next time you might do it because Jesus can read minds.

Survival Tip #5- When sneaking your significant other onto your floor during a non-designated open dorm time, make sure that you don’t accidentally yell “Man On!” or “Girl On”. Even though this is your natural reaction, the consequences of such a lapse in judgment will yield unwanted results.

Survival Tip #6- Delete your Facebook and/or Myspace profiles. These will only bring your relationship trouble. Any flirtatious comments from former lover’s will only spark questions and concern. Along with this, delete any and all phone numbers of members of the opposite sex on your cellular phone, including family members and co-workers.

Survival Tip #7- You must understand the hierarchy of dating at NCU. Freshmen girls only date Senior boys. Sophomore and Juniors can date each other but they must break up before senior year so that the male can rebound with a freshmen girl. Senior females, will most likely be so fed up with NCU males that they will have a boyfriend from another school by this time. Freshmen boys should just throw in the towel and wait for the sophomore/junior doomed relationship. It is almost impossible for freshmen boys to find a college girlfriend. Most freshmen males just cherry pick High School girls from back home to make out with on weekends. But note that if you do this you will be classified as a douche bag.

-SCHROEDER “The Love Boater” BERNSTEIN

NOTE: The author of this article is a regular opinion columnist for The Northerner school newspaper. Unfortunately, this article wont make it into the next issue due to timing issues with the school election. Not wanting to let a perfectly good article go to waste, he sent it to us to be circulated around the intertubes via our iBlog.

By: A Northerner Columnist

My friends, the fervor of political showboating has descended upon our University like a chirping chorus of swamp frogs croaking out grotesquely alluring calls in search of a mate. The politicians, pundits, pollsters, paper pushers and petty pranksters of the media have reduced our electoral process to a low budget, straight to video sequel of the summer blockbuster set down by our forefathers in generations past. I’m not describing the 2008 Presidential Election—everything seems pretty straight forward and above board with that as far as I can see. Nay students, I am referencing none other than the cut throat 2008 North Central Student Body President and Vice President contest of which you and I have regretfully (and yet perhaps fatefully) lived to participate in. Please, allow me to describe to you the gravity of our times:

It was only last week that I retreated to my treasured internet browser—a place millions have for years enjoyed as a haven for the purest and most innocent of subject matters—to discover the spread of this political taint. There, on my Facebook home screen, sitting below my status “is ho ho ho ” (ok, I haven’t changed it in a while) were not one but two invitations to join Groups dedicated to the election of two pairs of candidates for our Student Body elections. Lo, the loss of my innocence. Lo, the horrific reality and audacity of our electoral processes. Being in my fourth and final year at NCU I knew I would not be faced by such dire threats in the coming fall. However, I also knew it was my responsibility as a senior and an American citizen to act.

My countrymen, I write to you now in this desperate age as a herald of an alternative to the grim future you may see before you. Despite your fears, this is a day for bravery. There are yet two candidates that can rise above the mire of our battered system to bring us true student body representation. It is these two men whom I, though not necessarily this publication, endorse. These bastions of hope are none other that Lando Calrissian and NT Wright.

Lando Calrissian is an excellent choice for Student Body President in 2008 because of his extensive leadership experience and willingness to take risks. As Baron Administrator of the Cloud City on Bespin II, Calrissian has proven repeatedly his ability to “make it happen,” even in rough conditions. While many might question his sordid past, Calrissian considers his professional gambling, gun-running, and mercenary days as an advantage. Becoming respectable has built upon his character in ways any reformed scoundrel can relate to. Lando’s charming personality and quick wit helped him spare his mining colony from Imperial takeover during the Empire’s occupation. Additionally, Lando exhibited uncommon bravery when he piloted the Millenium Falcon and led an attack against the Imperial Death Star.

Nicholas Thomas Wright is an internationally sought scholar, speaker, and author. His experience as the Bishop of Durham makes him the best choice for Student Body Vice President in 2008. His professional experiences engaging in dialogue with other leading Jesus scholars like J. Dominic Crossan and Marcus Borg show his abilities as both an academic and an emissary. His numerous publications prove his devotion to the study of the gospel. To those who may question his qualifications as a candidate for this office since he is neither a student at North Central, nor living in the United States, I answer this: While NT Wright may not actually be our Vice President, he would most certainly fulfill the vocation of vice president. You’re simply not looking at him as he would’ve seemed in the context of first century palestine.

The North Central Student Body stands on the precipice of fate. Our children will judge us by the choices we make today. Be remembered as you want to be remembered; choose Lando Calrissian and NT Wright for North Central University!

By: David Lee Cho
Senior Pastoral Studies Major

“Hey there . . . um . . . young lady! How was your summer!”
“What? No of course not. It’s Gabriella right?”

Look, it was a long 3 months ok? And we didn’t talk and I’m not sure if you’re even one of my friends on facebook. I mean, I’ll definitely invite you now, even send you a gift and a friend survey, honest. I really thought you were cool last year and I’d hoped we could continue having our casual acquaintance relationship.

I saw you across the parking lot and I did everything I could to remember your name before you greeted me. I asked my friend Kenny here, but he couldn’t remember either. Look, I’ve got my phone out and I was even scrolling down the list. Your name started with an S, right? I was gonna ask you to call me to double check we still had eachother’s cell numbers (secretly hoping your name would pop up on the caller ID) but you didn’t even give me a chance Donna. Don? Danielle? erm, Dani?

If that didn’t work I was gonna walk with you to Miller Hall talking about myself so as to not reveal how little I know about you. If we’d just made it a little further, you would have taken out your student ID to open the door and I would have asked to see it (cause I have such a HUGE interest in how we looked when we were freshmen). Isn’t it enough that if I didn’t remember your name, I was at least going to go to huge lengths to figure it out Amy, cough* Amanda? Am I even close?

Ok, fine, I’ll just be honest with you. I totally had a crush on you Sophomore year when we had Bible Study Methods together… Sys. Theo. II together, of course. Wait was it you? Maybe Kenny had the crush on you. I can’t remember now. Was it you or your sister?

Look, sometimes I just forget important stuff, so please don’t take it personally. You can forget my name sometime, no really, I won’t even make a big deal about it. Why don’t you gimme a call this week and I’ll take you to coffee. We’ll talk about old times.

Oh what’s that? You’re new here?

Hi my name is David, what’s yours?