TWIN CITIES, MN - Traveling Evangelist Darren Gage rocketed into town this week with the fanfare and promotions regularly reserved for celebrities and rock stars. Utilizing loosely topical testimonies, charismatic regressions, and a well polished conclusion, Gage successfully brought more then half the crowd congregated at First Assembly Church in Minneapolis to the altar in response to a vague call to experience God. Pastor of First Assembly of more then 20 years, Nathan Cross, was delighted with the response of his congregation but afraid of the aftermath.
“I love it when Darren comes in to town. I swear, sometimes I feel like it’s the only time I feel God all year,” said long time First Assembly attender Jason Irving.
“Darren Gage makes being a Christian seem so easy and fun. I don’t want to criticize, but sometimes Pastor Nathan makes it all so complicated. Plus, Darren is so funny!” observed one attendee who described herself as new to “this church thing.”
Like a fun-loving, free-spirited uncle who spoils his sister’s kids with candy the rare times he’s in town, Evangelist Darren Gage came and went this week. Questions and memories of that epic weekend are likely to be compared to the less explosive Biblical discipleship and community normally taught on Sunday mornings for weeks to come. Last year, parishioners were quoted discussing the size of the spider in Darren Gage’s Africa story well into the Christmas season. This year, it is likely the discussion will continue, as Gage told a similar story, this time of a spider in South America whom he rebuked with the same passage of scripture. At this time it is unclear whether the Evangelist had 2 separate experiences with spiders, or if the same demonic spider followed him transatlantic.
“In recent years on the foreign aid field, there has been a movement towards development rather than aid,” explained Pastor Nathan Cross quite matter-of-fact and unfunnily.
“People have found they have more success teaching people how to grow food, rather then simply dropping it off and leaving,” he added without a single tear jerking anecdote.
“It creates a culture of independence rather then dependence on someone else for sustenance. Unfortunately, it requires more time, and often a relationship with those that need help,” he continued, though I was quite ready for the interview to be done, and was already thinking about lunch.
“I wonder if there’s something we can learn from them.” He added thoughtfully staring off into space rather then accusingly glaring into my eyes. - WOODWARD
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