The Northern Plight

ELLIOT PARK, MINNEAPOLIS- That one kid who everyone is secretly jealous of was caught stealing a scarf from an undercover police officer Friday. Onlookers watched in horror as their stylistic hero, Kenny Malcolm, was forced into the back of a Minneapolis Police Department squad car. “I always wondered where his unique style came from,” one astonished NCU student commented, “but I never expected this. I just figured he knew someone who worked at Savers on Lake St.”

Police have been investigating numerous unprovoked attacks on the homeless in and around the Elliot Park neighborhood for the last 4 months. Malcolm was finally caught after an undercover sting operation profiled his preferred targets as mid to late 50’s homeless smokers wearing multiple layers of clothing. After 2 weeks of undercover scrounging, begging, bench sleeping, newspaper comforting, and shelter finding, MPD Lt. Barry McNamara finally got what he had been waiting for when he was jumped by the wiry kleptomaniac.

“I saw him coming and just kept pretending to sleep, when that vagrant went for my scarf I just slapped the cuffs on him. Game Over. It was a little less dramatic then I had expected.” McNamara explained.

Malcolm had been the apple of everyone’s eye at NCU all semester for his seemingly “cutting edge, retro sense of style” and unique combinations of tight pants, and old timey sweaters and stocking caps. Malcolm was unemployed and had no steady income, and a few of his fellow students had suspicions as to how he was affording all of his trendy outfits. “His family was never very wealthy, and he relied heavy on financial aid and scholarships to pay for tuition.” Malcolm’s best friend and roommate explains, “He would never wear an outfit more than one time. He knew he had a public to keep happy.”

Malcolm remains unavailable for comment. His mother and father issued a public statement earlier this morning explaining that they brought him up on a healthy dose of tolerance for the homeless. As a sign of good faith they are also petitioning to make February National Homeless History Month.

-Schroeder “The Integrity Corroder” Bernstein

Early Saturday morning local resident of 5E Carlson, Daniel Grassmen was confronted by his roommate and floor Discipleship Leader (DL) about why he was out so late. The DL, Jason Emory, had been awoken by the creaky door belonging to the room both students share. Reports say that once Emory noticed it was over two hours past curfew he inquired to Grassmen’s previous whereabouts and specific company. Emory told The Northern Plight that Grassmen said he was in the floor’s private devotional room located opposite the elevators, praying for his aunt who had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

Emory initially noted that it took Grassmen a few seconds to spit out a response to his line of questioning but simply ignored it due to the originality and serious nature of his pathologically untruthful roommate. A later investigation dug up evidence that Grassmen was in fact hiding in the southernmost stairwell in the Christian Life Center adjacent to the gymnasium. Forensics found a blonde strand of hair that proved Grassmen was not alone but had a female companion who eats healthy and washes, rinses, and repeats daily.

A week after the incident The Northern Plight caught up with Grassmen outside of Clay Commons. When asked about how he felt about all the evidence stacking up against his alibi he seemingly came clean. “Alright, so I wasn’t where I said I was. Who cares? I wasn’t having sex, smoking, drinking, dancing, gambling, doing drugs, swearing, looking at porn, voting demoncrat or being gay! Me and Melody were just talking about how awesome it would be to go help children born into brothels in India. The time flew by, I didn’t even realize it was 3AM.” Grassmen continues. “But I think I am going to marry that girl. Jason wouldn’t have understood, he’s on that DL powertrip where he feels the need to report anything and everything he finds out.”

Grassmen went on to beg The Northern Plight to change his name and floor for the article and to not rat him out because that in his words, “totally not what Jesus would do.” So from now on he will be referred to as Douchy McFirepants. So even though McFirepants escaped judgment and punishment this time, if he keeps up in his untruthiness one day it will get the best of him. McFirepants should also note that even though this Melody girl seems to be perfect for him, he will realize one day that a girl that will keep him up past curfew is a girl that has no respect for authority. And a girl that has no respect for authority is the type of girl that will dump you for that lame basketball player that still pops his collar up or the tight pants wearing emo whose hawk and swoop is way too cool even for someone as high and mighty as himself.

-Bernstein

UPTOWN, MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - The Emo has landed at North Central University. Not to be confused with an Emu, a large flightless bird native to Australia. An Emo, much like it’s avian counterpart is hard to define but easy to spot. They have become rampant at NCU over the past few years and now seem to outnumber the “normies”. Here is a quick survival guide to give you a few tips on how to handle this influx of bloody-sleeved, tear stained, mid to late adolescents.

Survival Tip #1- When you encounter an Emo, you have to make sure that you never label them or assume anything about them because they will just debunk your declarations with useless name dropping and a short list of bands you’ve never heard of.

Survival Tip #2-Emos come in all shapes and sizes, anywhere from the typical girl-pants wearing, swoopy haired little boys or the slightly overweight stylish, seemingly confident but deftly insecure girls. Sometimes the “indie” label is welcome, but to be sure you should just make known how much you enjoy their style and if that scarf was on sale at Urban Outfitters or still 37 dollars.

Survival Tip #3- To survive in the world of Emos you must completely avoid talking about music, coffee and Wes Anderson. The only other option is to spend hours online listening to snippets of bands and studying their track listings with hopes that you don’t enter into a conversation with a dedicated and fully-matured Emo.

Survival Tip #4-You must not get too close or they will rub off on you. There is a reason that this third-wave Emo movement has seen so much more mainstream adolescent success than its predecessors from the mid 1980’s and 1990’s.

Survival Tip #5-If you give an Emo an inch, expect them to not take it because that is what everyone else would do.

Survival Tip #6- The only tried and true way to find safety from the Emos is to wear a solid color polo with the collar firmly popped. Even though their whispers of judgment will sometimes fall upon your ears, just know that their automatic snap judgments will also distance them from the idea of ever approaching you.

Survival Tip #7-One fact about the Emos that they will never admit is that there is no such thing as ’strength in numbers’ in their Emo world. No matter how many of them there are, they are still way to insecure to ever approach someone from a different fad. That is unless it is an Emo boy approaching the Typical Prep Hottie, or if they need to bum an American Spirit.

-BERNSTEIN

(add your survival tips in the comments)