The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Practically no one in Minnesota watched hit reality television show “So You Think You Can Dance” last night during Fox’s Wednesday lineup. Experts cite real reality from downtown Minneapolis capturing viewers attention when the 35W bridge connecting the east and west banks of the Mississippi River collapsed leaving at least 4 dead and 79 wounded. According to analysts, many regular viewers of standby shows like “America’s Next Top Model” or “The Daily Show,” forwent their regular evening in front of the TV in order to call a relative they haven’t spoken to in a while or to say a prayer on behalf of the families of victims.

#1 In Ratings

No One Cared

Additionally, Apple Stores reported 40% less shoppers inquiring about the iPhone, a rally protesting the mistreatment of muskrats was called off, and whiny radio talk show hosts, in light of recent events, could find nothing Hilary Clinton said significant enough to justifiably complain about.

This statewide sobering of values has left many Minnesota retailers and cosmetic surgeons worried. “We always see a big dip in sales after a tragedy,” said a department store manager at the Mall of America, “It’s always bad for business when dads say ‘I love you’ to their kids instead of buying them an HDTV.” But local jewelry store owner, Isaac Luzbinski isn’t worried. “This is America,” he told reporters, “Buying useless stuff is how we deal with tragedy.”

As area ministers and priests prepare for the guaranteed influx in attendance this Sunday, many ask themselves how long this adjustment in perspective will last. “Tragedy shouldn’t be the only reminder of what we value,” said one minister, “but sometimes it’s all we’ll respond to.” - Woodward

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Onlookers were stunned today when 2 North Central Students and some guy they met at a coffee shop somewhere were spontaneously crushed in the jaws of the double wooden doors connecting Phillips and Miller Halls. Although investigators have yet to release more specific details, the evidence suggests that someone in their entourage utilized the handicap access button normally used to open the doors for disabled users, when the doors suddenly shut at a high enough velocity to crush the skulls of all three students passing through the archway. Early autopsies indicate none of the three in the party were disabled before the accident and a lack of debris in the general area suggests all three had their hands available to them to to push the doors open like a normal human being might.

“Handicap doors are fickle entities,” a spokesperson for EasyAccess the manufacturer of the doors in question, said later, “they can only take so many undisabled auto-openings before they snap.” The doors themselves were unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for North Central later said to reporters, “We’re currently forming an exploratory committee to investigate the cause of these accidents and develop a plan for prevention to be released some time first quarter next year. Students are advised to avoid use of all doors until that later unspecified date - or for Chrissake, stop pushing the button unless you need to.”

Cassie Holmquist BFF of one of the victims, Kristi Hunter, was quoted after the accident as thinking that Megan and that guy she met at the coffee shop were “just friends.” - Woodward