The Northern Plight

GOD FEARING TOWN, USA-In an astonishing feat of supernatural power, the Alpha and Omega has already answered all of his budgeted prayer requests for the year. The U.S. governing body has declared a state of emergency and already updated the national threat level to orange or red, or whatever is more threat than blue. Early analysis of the reasons behind this catastrophe have pointed the finger at a peak in trivial prayer requests. Earl Graves, General of the U.S Spiritual Warfare Tactical Force (SWTF) commented earlier today, “The American people have to stop asking God for things like green lights, public bathroom privacy, and a solution to world peace. Or it’s gonna go to hell around here.“

Sources say that a law is being passed, as I type this, to ban certain prayer requests. Hopefully things like praying before sporting events, for loved ones with terminal illnesses, and to win the lottery will still be allowed. The last time the Jehovah Jirah finished answering prayers even remotely early was the morning of December 7th, 1941. Shortly after, Pearl Harbor was viciously attacked, thousands died and thousands more would die as a result of the U.S. entering WWII. All aircrafts have been grounded and schools have already been closed. Everyone has been told to remain calm, loot whatever you can, and to make sure the last thing you do is pray because the probability of that prayer being answered is absolutely zero.

Christians are strongly encouraged to take up another religion for the remainder of the year. If they so choose, they can revert back to Christianity at the beginning of 2009, as long as they adhere to the new set of strict prayer laws. The SWTF is recommending ridiculous alternatives such as Scientology, Mormonism, or Methodist.

The only glimmer of hope on this black sunrise we have dawned for ourselves was discovered by a local llama farmer in Indianapolis. Farmer Gary Giles explains; “After I heard about God being done for the year, I went back to work. I was shoveling out the droppings from the llama pen and my prize llama Peggy kicked me right in the hip. I yelled “Goddamn you Peggy!” and she grew 2 feet and gained 45 pounds. She’ll win best in show at the State Fair this summer for sure!” More reports of successful spiritual reverse psychology are now coming in from all over the country. Whether or not this temporary fix will turn into a long term solution and give us a chance to make it through the next ten months is still unknown. We can only wait, hope, and not pray. Goddamn us all.

-Bernstein

PREACHER UTILIZES MOVIE CLIP EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN TO ILLUSTRATE POINT EVERYONE HAS ALREADY HEARD
FIRST EVANGELICAL CHURCH OF SOMEWHERE: After waiting for what seemed like ages for the sound man to get his act together, members of “New Hope Life Christ Center of God in the Valley” in St. Louis Park were treated to a pixelated, awkwardly framed scene from 1999’s “The Matrix.” You know, the part where Neo needs to choose between the red and blue pill, remember that part? Yeah. Of course you do. The scene was used as ‘creative appeal’ for ‘those artsy types’ to illustrate how we are faced with a decision between two worlds when we follow Christ, or something.

MINNEAPOLIS RANKED #1 FOR CITIES WHERE SMALL-TOWN, MIDWESTERN 20-SOMETHINGS GO TO GET HIP, LIBERAL
THE ELLIOTTS, MINNEAPOLIS - A recent study conducted by two super seniors at North Central University indicates that Minneapolis is the #1 city for the children of stoic, conservative, scandinavian-descended parents, to discover their own progressive leanings. Josiah Moore from Bloomer, WI pioneered the study when he sipped his Chianti, straightened his “Republicans For Obama” pin and remarked that his mom would probably kill him if she saw him right now. Josiah’s roommate, Caleb Reumann of Presho, South Dakota agreed and wondered aloud what his dad would think of that essay he’d written last semester about the book of Jonah being a parable and not actually happening. Both students agreed they’d never have arrived at such ideas at home and owed it all to their visits to Uptown, late night conversations in dim coffeeshops, and the influx of political bumper stickers rampant throughout the city.

SOPHOMORE OVER ANALYZES RESPONSE ON CRUSH’S FACEBOOK WALL
FLIRT DE ELECTRONIC, MN - Sophomore Tim Nieman has had a crush on freshmen Cassie Larson ever since he read her “note” about worshipping God with a pure heart last October. Last Thursday, the relationship escalated when Cassie left a message on Tim’s facebook wall, “thanks for the text message today!” After 18 minutes of agonizing over her initial message, sophomore Tim Nieman finally settled on, “your super welcome! sending texts are the best because they let you communicate without talking” as his response. “It’s enthusiastic yet non challant, but still informative” Nieman told reporters. He’s utilized facebook social dynamics to glean such vital information as Cassie’s cell number, her favorite Disney movies, and the degree to which she despises Foundations of Leadership. Nieman went on further to explain, “I wanted to let her know that I was happy that she was happy that I sent her a text. But I didn’t want to appear over eager or desperate. I left a few letters uncapitalized that should’ve been capitalized as if I wrote it really quick without thinking. My favorite part is the implied message underneath it all: that she should send me a text too.”

 - WOODWARD

36%- Can’t stand watching bass player fall in love with himself all over again.

24%- So you can be first in line for the cafeteria

17%- Family Feud is just way too awesome to pass up.

13%- Jeff Deyo wasn’t worth having to put pants on.

6%- Sticking it to the man. Bethel’s Chapel service isn’t mandatory why is ours?

4%- Still can’t stop nose bleed from Phillipps Boxing Tourney last night.

From a Christian stand point, do you think there is ever a time outside of marriage where sex is okay? For instance, is there such thing as a marriage type relationship? Okay for instance. Lets say two people have been dating for like 3 years and are either engaged or about to be engaged. They are only holding off on marriage because of money issues or long distance issues. They are 99% sure they are going to get married but just don’t see it happening in the immediate future. What about that? Marriage these days isn’t even all that reliable. Christians make it seem that marital sexual intercourse is totally safe and secure and that the bond between two people sworn to each other for life is such a better environment for sex. What about the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce? Or the fact that that number is dropping because more people than ever before are choosing not to get married.

Here’s one more thing. I’m a male in my early twenties.  Which is 2-4 years past my sexual peak. Average age of marriage is closing in on 30. So my faith is asking me to bench myself until I’m almost 12 years over the hill? That’s like telling Lebron James to wait until he’s 30 to play professional basketball. We should be able to make a deal, lemme play now and I’ll take a few years off to make up for it when I’m like 70.

Will sex outside of marriage always be frowned upon?

This may be opening Pandora’s Box but what the hay. Speaking in tongues has gotten way out of control. I am not a biblical scholar, and I never did Junior Bible Quiz. But on the day of Pentecost, wasn’t everyone speaking in other languages? Not just mumbo jumbo they were making up on the spot. And believe me when I say I have heard dozens of missionaries tell stories about themselves speaking in tongues and communicating in perfect dialect with some foreign people group. And I myself got “Baptized By The Holy Spirit” at Snow Camp. But really, the crazy bag lady at the CYL is speaking in her own language half the time, does that mean she is full of the Holy Spirit…? I know the idea of Tongues of Fire, and a Holy Language has biblical roots, but I think it has been blown way out of proportion.

Is the contemporary interpretation of Speaking in Tongues really that vital to a Christian’s life?

/discuss

Schroeder “The Great Decoder” Bernstein

front page:
“FLASH FLOOD” MOVE OF SPIRIT DROWNS CONGREGATION IN AWKWARD SILENCE

local:
ENCOUNTER WITH MORMON MISSIONARIES CONFUSED FOR ‘DIVINE APPOINTMENT’

politics:
CREATIONISTS DECLARE HUCKABEE GOD IN KANSAS

technology:
HIP NEW GADGET NOW CALLS FRIENDS AND GLOATS ABOUT ITSELF FOR YOU

opinion:
“SINCE IT’S JUST THE TWO OF US IN THIS ELEVATOR FOR 45 SECONDS, I’LL INTRODUCE MYSELF” - The Creepy Guy In The Corner