The Northern Plight

GOD FEARING TOWN, USA-In an astonishing feat of supernatural power, the Alpha and Omega has already answered all of his budgeted prayer requests for the year. The U.S. governing body has declared a state of emergency and already updated the national threat level to orange or red, or whatever is more threat than blue. Early analysis of the reasons behind this catastrophe have pointed the finger at a peak in trivial prayer requests. Earl Graves, General of the U.S Spiritual Warfare Tactical Force (SWTF) commented earlier today, “The American people have to stop asking God for things like green lights, public bathroom privacy, and a solution to world peace. Or it’s gonna go to hell around here.“

Sources say that a law is being passed, as I type this, to ban certain prayer requests. Hopefully things like praying before sporting events, for loved ones with terminal illnesses, and to win the lottery will still be allowed. The last time the Jehovah Jirah finished answering prayers even remotely early was the morning of December 7th, 1941. Shortly after, Pearl Harbor was viciously attacked, thousands died and thousands more would die as a result of the U.S. entering WWII. All aircrafts have been grounded and schools have already been closed. Everyone has been told to remain calm, loot whatever you can, and to make sure the last thing you do is pray because the probability of that prayer being answered is absolutely zero.

Christians are strongly encouraged to take up another religion for the remainder of the year. If they so choose, they can revert back to Christianity at the beginning of 2009, as long as they adhere to the new set of strict prayer laws. The SWTF is recommending ridiculous alternatives such as Scientology, Mormonism, or Methodist.

The only glimmer of hope on this black sunrise we have dawned for ourselves was discovered by a local llama farmer in Indianapolis. Farmer Gary Giles explains; “After I heard about God being done for the year, I went back to work. I was shoveling out the droppings from the llama pen and my prize llama Peggy kicked me right in the hip. I yelled “Goddamn you Peggy!” and she grew 2 feet and gained 45 pounds. She’ll win best in show at the State Fair this summer for sure!” More reports of successful spiritual reverse psychology are now coming in from all over the country. Whether or not this temporary fix will turn into a long term solution and give us a chance to make it through the next ten months is still unknown. We can only wait, hope, and not pray. Goddamn us all.

-Bernstein

OPTIMISTIC PUZZLE SOLVERS, USA - Last week, quixotic mathematicians in Crosby, ND announced the completion of a 3 year study of greek letter patterns in the New Testament book, Revelation. Utilizing increasingly complicated number-letter correspondences until they arrived at an answer they were looking for, the scientists have compiled an exhaustive content list they believe to be divine. The compelling data contains predictions of such events as the Kennedy assassination, the September 11th attacks, and the death of country music star John Denver. However, the team of 4 mathematicians/midwest crossword champions are most thrilled about an apparent “delicious confection recipe resembling a brownie” found in chapter 6.

“The data seems to suggest that while God is most certainly warning us about the four horsemen of the Apocalypse—he is also providing us with a quick 10 minute dessert that requires very little cleanup but will also make dinner guests think you spent hours in the kitchen,” said team leader and kind of nerdy guy Craig Gilmore.

The recipe can be found in the group’s 200 page report along with the date of the apocalypse, the outcome of the United States 2008 presidential election, the complete roster for the 1998 Boston Red Sox, and the identity of who borrowed your Zoolander DVD last semester without asking and never gave it back. While many herald the report as the best round of Bible misinterpretation fodder since the year 2000 rapture predictions, not all are so supportive.

Hebrew professor and fellow Bible code breaker Andrew Stevens is unimpressed by the study’s findings. “This study represents one more attempt by delusional Christians to make the Bible say stuff it was never meant to say. It’s a consequence of people who read the Bible and nothing else for years and years on end. Besides, everyone knows that the funnel cake my team found in Daniel 9 five years ago is the only truly sacred after-dinner treat that will keep your party guests asking for thirds.”

Currently, the Crosby team is making their findings available to the public at no charge. However, Hostess has expressed an interest in purchasing the brownie recipe and marketing it under the tentative brand, “Yahweh Cakes.”

- Woodward

AMERICA’S INNOCENCE, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Confirming the worst fears of many Evangelical Christians across the nation, Harry Potter Book 7 The Deathly Hallows, uncovers the boy wizard’s true identity to be none other then the Morning Star, Satan himself, reincarnated on a broomstick. Apparently, J. K. Rowling’s multi-billion dollar book/movie/toy/candy/fake tattoo franchise was nothing other then an attempt to prepare impressionable children’s minds for the apocalapse.

“If you look at the facts, this revelation was unavoidable,” said a professor of Eschatological Studies at North Central University in Minneapolis, MN. “Harry Potter has a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. There are 11 letters in his name. In 1997, [the year HP was first published] there was a .666% chance a child or someone in his immediate family would be struck by lightning before the age of 11. 666 is the number used by the Antichrist to mark his minions in the Bible. I believe this is a clear indication Harry Potter was meant to represent the Antichrist from the beginning.”

“We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching.”
- Focus On The Family

Despite this unsuspected conclusion, Deathly Hallows [which sold 8.3 million copies its first 24 hours in the US alone] shows no sign of slowing in world circulation, causing an outcry from Christian interests groups across the country.

“We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching,” said Roy Slabstone Focus On The Family representative yesterday morning. “Right from the beginning, that there witchcraft was a subtle attack on the moral fabric of our society.” When asked what his stance was on simply not reading the books if their content made him uncomfortable and leaving everyone else alone, Slabstone frowned quizzically and responded, “but then what would I do all day?”

Yesterday afternoon, Rowling delivered a press release via owl from her Edinburgh home in response to these allegations. “When Mephastophilis first appeared to me 10 years ago and offered to provide me with a bestselling storyline in exchange for my soul, I never thought it would end up like this.”

Hit hardest by the news is Harry Potter publisher Arthur A. Levine Books who were disappointed to discover that in this age of electronic media, nothing less then a black curse cast within the pages of a book will get kids to spend time reading. - Woodward