The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - Wednesday morning, Natasha Wringer of Minneapolis, asked the professor of her Business Law class at North Central University if he could pray for yet one more obscure relative dying of some form of cancer. This is not an isolated event. The school has been teeming lately with seemingly pointless prayer requests and praise reports.

Junior Tyler Discarppo comments, “It’s just getting ridiculous, I swear some people have more kids in their youth group dying in car accidents than I have friends on Facebook… which is a lot.”

Opening class periods with a time of prayer has been a commonplace occurrence at North Central since the school was founded. The rise in soft-core prayer requests has most social-scientists crediting a lack of sincerity and vulnerability among students.

One social-scientist concludes. “The students are deflecting attention from issues that really need prayer like masturbation, pornography, consumption of alcohol, premarital sex, etc; and instead offering up prayer for things as general and benign as “The kids out trick or treating on Halloween” or “My boyfriend’s second cousin once removed’s best friend’s dad, who stapled his thumb to a birdhouse he was making.”

The only feasible outcome of such deflective prayers is the unavoidable backlash from God. In which one of two things will happen. Either God will simply answer all of the ridiculous diversion prayer requests; thus leaving only sincere and relevant ones. OR. God will introduce a simple shock-therapy treatment, where every time someone issues an irrelevant request they will feel a powerful shock of electricity run through their spinal chord.

I can only ask that the people of the world come together and pray that we will figure out what option God will choose… sooner than later. Ouch! Nevermind.

-BERNSTEIN

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By Guest Editorialist Ed Rockwell

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - It seems as though more and more North Central graduating seniors and other students are growing very keen on “staying around” NCU after they graduate. Dan Wyler is one of them.

“You know,” said Wyler, a senior Youth Developmental Studies major. “If I don’t get a job right away after I graduate, it’s okay. There are plenty of opportunities here at good ol’ NCU.”

Wyler pointed to the official “NCU JOBS” posting just outside of the security office and explained that he would be perfect for the “Administrative Assistant” position that is currently vacant in the Advancement office because he can type 60 words-per-minute from his many years of practice on AOL instant messaging, and because many of his student leaders have recently commented on his “outstanding organizational and leadership abilities.”

“I developed those from my minor in Leadership. It’s totally on my résumé, too!” Wyler added.

Sarah Koppelstein, a junior and an Interdisciplinary Studies major, is actually planning on staying at NCU as her full-time vocation.

“Housekeeping, Plant, Security, you name it! NCU has something for everyone!” she commented, running her fingers through her curly blonde hair. “It’s great for people like me because even if NCU didn’t adequately prepare us for life in the real world, at least they have this awesome safety net!”

Matt Blackwell, Assistant Student Leadership Personnel Administrative Overseer is a graduate of NCU’s class of ’02. “I’m thrilled to still be at NCU. It’s nice to still be in this nurturing Christian bubble with some of my fellow graduates. What’s more, I know that God has called me to this role for this time in my life to serve, if for no other purpose, as a model for other NCU graduating seniors with dreams and aspirations and absolutely no direction whatsoever. That was me, and now I’m here and I’m thriving!”

When asked what his “dreams and aspirations” had been before he graduated, Blackwell replied, “You know, it doesn’t even matter anymore because this is what I know God had for me. I don’t remember any of them anymore.” Blackwell is counting on his Bachelor of Arts in Biblical Languages to provide heavy leverage on the “powers that be” regarding his upcoming interview for a promotion to the position of “Dean of deans.”

The fad of graduating students’ assimilation into the NCU internal professional environment has been steadily increasing since Blackwell’s acceptance of his position, yet some students are adamantly against the practice. Eugene Roberts, sophomore and Business major, recognizes a distressing feature of the trend.

“Tuition costs at NCU keep rising for exactly this reason,” he claimed. “These ex-NCU students assuming jobs at NCU not only prevents the school from hiring more qualified prospects but also serves to raise tuition costs because the school has no reserved finances to pay for the six or seven new ‘positions’ they create every year.”

Bill Benjamin agreed with Roberts. “They think they’re helping current students by becoming a part of NCU’s team, but really they’re only costing the students more money and ultimately hurting themselves, their peers and the school in the long run,” said the junior Pastoral Studies major.

Nevertheless, many students press on toward their future glory with blind faith in the institution and themselves as the perfect candidates for the numerous open positions waiting to be filled, or in many cases, created.

Wyler said, “I could probably convince Student Life to make the position of ARD a full-time job. I hang out in there a lot because I’ve got some chapel fines I need taken care of, so I know lots of people there really well.”

“I can’t wait to tell my mom!” he added. “She worked so hard to build up her credit to get student loans and save money for me to pay off some of my expenses…I know she’ll be thrilled to hear that it wasn’t all in vain!”

“Oh my gosh!” Koppelstein exclaimed. “I didn’t even think about my future as the director of the NCU Nursery and Daycare Center we should open up in Centennial!”

According to Koppelstein, she knows “like, a hundred students” who are pregnant right now or are at least engaged and will eventually need such a ministry to enable their educational careers to continue. “I chose Centennial for two reasons: it’s big and NCU never uses it for anything!”

As graduating seniors are faced with the adventure of boldly breaking out of North Central’s comfortable shell of Christianity and into the real world of hard work and no summer vacations or the option to stay at North Central as lifetime indentured servants, only one thing is certain, says Blackwell: “North Central is ‘Clearly Superior.’” - ROCKWELL

Caitlin Upton addressing Geography Education during the Miss Teen USA 2007 Pageant. This youtube video gathered more 3.5 million views less then 48 hours after the competition aired on TV.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA - Miss Teen USA pageant contestant Caitlin Upton stunned judges and audiences last week with her unlikely response to a question regarding Geography Education in the United States. Now the North Central admissions board is proud to announce Miss South Carolina’s acceptance to NCU and her success in meeting the rigorous educational standards set by a four year college.

This morning, a representative from North Central issued a statement to reporters. “Miss Upton clearly represents the caliber of students we seek to invite into our classrooms at North Central. She’s smart, well-groomed, grew up in a conservative charismatic church, and she told us God called her to do something or other.”

The announcement comes in the face of ongoing questions concerning North Central’s acceptance standards. The accredited college has long been known to accept applicants before they’ve completed a FAFSA or even taken an ACT or SAT test. Concerns have also arisen regarding numerous students who’ve consistently proven themselves unable to pay their tuition yet remain in North Central classrooms, digging themselves deeper into debt instead of taking time out from college to gain greater financial security.

“For me there was really no question,” said Jacob Lewis, a Youth Ministry major who openly admits to struggling both academically and financially since his acceptance last year. “I knew I wanted to work with young people in a church, and I’ve always been told I needed a four year degree to do something like that. North Central was my only option.”

It’s been argued that many at NCU assume anyone who presents themselves as having a healthy relationship with Christ that asks to go North Central, probably belongs at North Central. Regardless many have started asking the question whether or not college (and the inevitable debt that follows) really is the best route for some young people. It is amidst these growing questions Caitlin Upton will arrive on campus ready to be a voice for those who don’t own maps. Her academic career could be an important element in the future of this debate. - WOODWARD

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.

“I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don’t repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever.” Innock told reporters later that day, “I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?”

Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn’t support it.

“That’s kind of what bothered me,” Innock said later, “I’m not sure yet, but I think there’s a strong case to at least talk about it.” Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that “the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb,” and to Malachi 4 where it states “the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch.”

It was at this point what has since been called “The Pause” descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. “It was horrible,” said one student, “One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed.”

“It’s not what we believe in the AG,” was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn’t come up again for the remainder of the class period. “I would’ve liked to at least discussed it,” said one Senior after, “if only to be sure of what I already believe.”

In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. “I hope no one thinks I’m a universalist or worse, a liberal for this,” Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.

Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD

POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!