The Northern Plight

front page:
NCU WELCOME WEEK RENAMED “LET’S GO CHECK OUT BLOCK E WEEK”

local:
INDEPENDENT COFFEE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER SICK OF BEING COMPARED TO STARBUCKS

politics:
98% OF MINNEAPOLIS HAD NO IDEA WHO R.T. RYBAK WAS BEFORE BRIDGE TRAGEDY

health:
THREE DAY OLD WHOPPERS AND MILKDUDS ARE NOT ‘THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP’

student life:
FIRST WEEKEND AT SCHOOL FOR INCOMING FRESHMEN BOASTS 14 ENGAGEMENT RINGS

technology:
I.T. WORKER MAKES ANOTHER JOKE ABOUT MEGABYTES THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

opinion:
“I’M NOT A LIBERAL, BUT I’M NOT AS CONSERVATIVE AS YOU.” - NOAH FJELSTAD

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Practically no one in Minnesota watched hit reality television show “So You Think You Can Dance” last night during Fox’s Wednesday lineup. Experts cite real reality from downtown Minneapolis capturing viewers attention when the 35W bridge connecting the east and west banks of the Mississippi River collapsed leaving at least 4 dead and 79 wounded. According to analysts, many regular viewers of standby shows like “America’s Next Top Model” or “The Daily Show,” forwent their regular evening in front of the TV in order to call a relative they haven’t spoken to in a while or to say a prayer on behalf of the families of victims.

#1 In Ratings

No One Cared

Additionally, Apple Stores reported 40% less shoppers inquiring about the iPhone, a rally protesting the mistreatment of muskrats was called off, and whiny radio talk show hosts, in light of recent events, could find nothing Hilary Clinton said significant enough to justifiably complain about.

This statewide sobering of values has left many Minnesota retailers and cosmetic surgeons worried. “We always see a big dip in sales after a tragedy,” said a department store manager at the Mall of America, “It’s always bad for business when dads say ‘I love you’ to their kids instead of buying them an HDTV.” But local jewelry store owner, Isaac Luzbinski isn’t worried. “This is America,” he told reporters, “Buying useless stuff is how we deal with tragedy.”

As area ministers and priests prepare for the guaranteed influx in attendance this Sunday, many ask themselves how long this adjustment in perspective will last. “Tragedy shouldn’t be the only reminder of what we value,” said one minister, “but sometimes it’s all we’ll respond to.” - Woodward