Your Favorite Stories

“Trask Worship Center” To Be Renamed “Center For Trask Worship”
EXCERPT: “We toyed around with a few ideas,” one anonymous building committee member told reporters. “‘The Center For Worshiping God With The Initial Physical Evidence of Speaking In Tongues’ was a contender for a while; so was ‘The Chapel of Traditional Pentecostal Worship and None Of That Scary Emerging Business.’ Frankly, the only reason ‘Revival Or Bust, Center For Attacking The Gates of Hell’ didn’t pass was because ‘The Center For Trask Worship’ was easier to put together using the words from the old sign.”

OPINION: Dear Girl Who Was Clipping Her Fingernails During Chapel
EXCERPT: Secondly, when you are bored with chapel, you shouldn’t bring others around you down as well. I am positive that everyone within a 35 foot radius knew what you were doing and instantly stopped paying attention to the message to watch this train wreck occur. The last time I saw that many people poke their friends and point was when they introduced the waffle iron in the cafeteria.

Freshmen Obeys Parking Rules: Ticketed Anyway
EXCERPT: NCU Freshmen Chad Mcelroy was flabergasted today when he discovered his 4th NCU parking ticket in as many days affixed to his windshield. “I honestly thought I did it right this time. The permit was visible, I parked in the commuter lot, I even left a small gift basket behind the wheel like the NCU Security Website suggested,” Mcelroy said in an exclusive interview, “The ticket says the cause was ‘Just For The Hell Of It.’ Does that mean I needed to check in first?”

Worship Live Livid With Audience
EXCERPT: “They just don’t take us literally when we say to hold the applause ‘til we’re finished with the song. When everyone tries clapping during the song, it just throws the groove off,” explains the Worship Live bassist.

Survival Guide: NCU Infested With Emos
EXCERPT: The Emo has landed at North Central University. Not to be confused with an Emu, a large flightless bird native to Australia. An Emo, much like it’s avian counterpart is hard to define but easy to spot.

Pre-class Prayer Requests “Just Getting Ridiculous”
EXCERPT: Junior Tyler Discarppo comments, “It’s just getting ridiculous, I swear some people have more kids in their youth group dying in car accidents than I have friends on Facebook… which is a lot.”

2 Self-Righteous Seniors Create Satire Blog
EXCERPT: Hiding behind gimmicky identities derived from Peanuts characters and veiled Watergate references, the authors have attempted to avoid taking any responsibility for the sucker punch muck raking they dish out.