The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - In a press release this week, North Central University announced that it will be hosting and producing its own Christian reality show entitled “Initial Evidence”. The show borrows many different themes from other popular reality TV shows but is currently being describing as a cross between Survivor and American Idol.

A spokesperson for NCU explains, “We will interview and select 24 students that will be required to compete in a slew of Christian themed challenges that will increase in difficulty as the show progresses. The first challenge will be reminiscent of a Junior Bible Quiz tournament that will immediately narrow the field down to 12 finalists.”

The school is being relatively tight lipped about what the majority of the challenges will consist of but it did leak a few details about some of the more entertaining and “character revealing” tasks. One particularly interesting challenge will involve the contenders walking a tight rope across Elliot Park while throwing Salvation Tracks out to “heathens”. The challenge will be scored on time and accuracy.

“We are trying to incorporate as many different facets of Christian culture and evangelism as possible. But the final challenge will be a true test of perseverance, holiness, and sanctity,” The spokesperson continues, “The final two contestants will compete in a winner-take-all prayer language off, the person who can speak in tongues for the longest period of time will take home the handsome reward of a new leather bound Bible and a $250 scholarship for next semester.”

The media, at this time, has been given no reason as to why the pentecostal school decided to produce this sure fire mega-hit. Early speculation has pointed out one probable reason being the horrible economy and that a drop in new attendees is partly to blame. NCU most likely expects to make a good chunk of money off local sponsorships it intends to nail down to advertise during the show. As of right now, NCU has already signed four lucrative contracts with Mytshirtguys.com, Buffalo Wild Wings, Northwestern Bookstores, and Hooters. The first episode will air after the NCAA Championship game on CBS.

-Bernstein

I was thinking about this today on my way to class. Not quite satirical but mildly entertaining.

Creed- We all fell for it. Don’t even try and lie. The first time you heard “Higher” and saw Scott Stapp throw his arms out you were duped too. The behind the music special didn’t help much either. Just because someone grows up AG and had to write the book of Psalms in its entirety every time they got in trouble does not make them a Christian. Even though the music wasn’t full of curse words and drug references, Stapp’s life sure was. I bought so many wife-beaters because of that guy, what a let down.

Lifehouse- Just because a band sounds, looks, and writes songs like a worship band doesn’t mean they are one. What Lifehouse had going for them was the fact that they could write really ubiquitous lyrics about girls and have a crap load of Christians think they were about God. Lifehouse is second only to Nickleback in rewriting the exact same song over and over again and just changing the lyrics. Hooray for the G and/or E chord progression and singing through your teeth!

MuteMath- I am not a huge music snob, but I do like to do a little research on bands I go to see in concert. A few of MuteMath’s members were formally in a Christian band, weren’t making any money, and formed a new group trying to avoid at all costs a Christian labeling. The lead singer is more of an Atheist than a Christian now. This didn’t detour like 15 people “worshiping” at their concert at the Fine Line a few months ago. So basically they were worshiping an Atheist’s sermon.

I could go on to list acts like Coldplay, U2, etc. But you guys get the idea.

front page:

19 YEAR OLD FOUND UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SCRIPTURE, GETS BIBLE MINOR

local:

SINGLE ACT OF RANDOM KINDNESS NOT “BRINGING BACK CHIVALRY”

lifestyles:

STUDY SHOWS 79% OF YOUTH MAJORS SUFFER FROM SLIGHT CASE OF PEDOPHILIA

arts & entertainment:

NCU ROCKSTAR WRITES HIT SONG OF THE YEAR, CIRCA 2002

travel:

NINEdays TRIP TEMPORARILY FORGOTTEN UNTIL PICTURES GET DEVELOPED

source:

“SLASH AND DASH” MISUNDERSTANDING RESULTS IN 3 DEAD, 7 WOUNDED

opinion:

“I’m sick of douche bags always getting the girls.” - Jerry Lanchaster

53%- Felt bad because you weren’t paying attention and suddenly realized the speaker was crying.

23%- The speaker didn’t give any other options.

14%- Good chance to get some one on one time with that cute junior.

5%- Requirement for Foundations of Leadership class.

3%- Committed a sin in the last week.

2%- Thought concessions would be served afterwards.

Two months ago the first episode of the critically acclaimed Travis-TV weblog was showered with Youtube views as well as praise. Then disaster struck, along the same lines as most other fads and crazes its popularity and creative content has recently gone the way of the buffalo. (Not to Wyoming but to obscurity) The person most effected by the recent decline in Travis-TV ratings has probably been Travis’s agent/manager/merchandise coordinator Lucas Henjum.

“This has all happened at the worst possible time. Travis and I just dumped over 800 dollars into t-shirts, messenger bags, collectible plates, and even Travis-TV mouse-pads.” Henjum complains, “We ordered ‘em at the height of his popularity. We stood to make some decent cash. I honestly didn’t think the bottom would fall out this fast.”

Analyst’s believe Travis got too confident about the immense early success his weblog. Some say it all changed when he refused to record an episode specifically for the Youth Major Department Chapel on March 12, 2008. A member of the Youth Committee comments, “Yeah, we tried to contact Travis a few times, we just wanted him to talk about a few topics and kind of do a creative announcement for some upcoming events we had. He completely ignored all our phone calls and emails. We ended up having one of our own members record his own lampoon and it went over really well.”

The revelation that anyone can throw together a similar weblog and see similar success opened up the campus to other, better produced and more entertaining weblogs like the one mentioned above and The Baias Blog. A simple history lesson can prove the point that even though people will always remember the “first”, it rarely remains the best. Just look at The Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC, we all know who won that contest.

The bottom line is that Travis-TV will have to innovate or dissipate. But regardless Travis, we hoped you enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame as much as we enjoyed your first episode. God speed.

-Bernstein