The Northern Plight

front page:
“FLASH FLOOD” MOVE OF SPIRIT DROWNS CONGREGATION IN AWKWARD SILENCE

local:
ENCOUNTER WITH MORMON MISSIONARIES CONFUSED FOR ‘DIVINE APPOINTMENT’

politics:
CREATIONISTS DECLARE HUCKABEE GOD IN KANSAS

technology:
HIP NEW GADGET NOW CALLS FRIENDS AND GLOATS ABOUT ITSELF FOR YOU

opinion:
“SINCE IT’S JUST THE TWO OF US IN THIS ELEVATOR FOR 45 SECONDS, I’LL INTRODUCE MYSELF” - The Creepy Guy In The Corner

OPTIMISTIC PUZZLE SOLVERS, USA - Last week, quixotic mathematicians in Crosby, ND announced the completion of a 3 year study of greek letter patterns in the New Testament book, Revelation. Utilizing increasingly complicated number-letter correspondences until they arrived at an answer they were looking for, the scientists have compiled an exhaustive content list they believe to be divine. The compelling data contains predictions of such events as the Kennedy assassination, the September 11th attacks, and the death of country music star John Denver. However, the team of 4 mathematicians/midwest crossword champions are most thrilled about an apparent “delicious confection recipe resembling a brownie” found in chapter 6.

“The data seems to suggest that while God is most certainly warning us about the four horsemen of the Apocalypse—he is also providing us with a quick 10 minute dessert that requires very little cleanup but will also make dinner guests think you spent hours in the kitchen,” said team leader and kind of nerdy guy Craig Gilmore.

The recipe can be found in the group’s 200 page report along with the date of the apocalypse, the outcome of the United States 2008 presidential election, the complete roster for the 1998 Boston Red Sox, and the identity of who borrowed your Zoolander DVD last semester without asking and never gave it back. While many herald the report as the best round of Bible misinterpretation fodder since the year 2000 rapture predictions, not all are so supportive.

Hebrew professor and fellow Bible code breaker Andrew Stevens is unimpressed by the study’s findings. “This study represents one more attempt by delusional Christians to make the Bible say stuff it was never meant to say. It’s a consequence of people who read the Bible and nothing else for years and years on end. Besides, everyone knows that the funnel cake my team found in Daniel 9 five years ago is the only truly sacred after-dinner treat that will keep your party guests asking for thirds.”

Currently, the Crosby team is making their findings available to the public at no charge. However, Hostess has expressed an interest in purchasing the brownie recipe and marketing it under the tentative brand, “Yahweh Cakes.”

- Woodward

Is he serious or is he joking? We don’t know. Nor do we care.

front page
STUDENT TACTFULLY CHANGES SETTING FROM BAR TO COFFEESHOP WHEN SHARING EVANGELISM STORY

student life
RECENT STUDY REVEALS RA’S SPEND MORE TIME WITH OTHER RA’S THAN OWN FLOOR MATES

politics
CHRISTIAN REPUBLICANS DESPERATELY INVENTING REASONS TO SUPPORT MCCAIN

economics
CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN REFUSES TO CONSERVE BOTH WATER AND ENERGY

opinion:
“TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, I NEVER REALLY CARED WHETHER YOU GRADUATED OR NOT” - Your Financial Aid Office

CENTER FOR TRASK WORSHIP, MINNEAPOLIS - Over the past few months, new General Superintendent for the Assemblies of God, George P. Wood has been travelling across the United States introducing himself to various districts and colleges. Dr. Wood has used these meetings to communicate his vision for the organization and engage in dialogue with its members concerning the future. While many students received the new “G. Soup” warmly in the NCU chapel on Friday, not all made the visit a priority.

“I know I’m called to be a youth pastor so I’m basically giving the next 10 years of my life to this organization. It would probably make sense to at least see the guy who’s gonna be at the helm of it for that time. But I just found a new code to get a jet in GTAIII…” explained one freshmen before trailing off meekly.

A junior added, “I have no use for the new Superintendent or his agenda. I know it’s just gonna be the same old stuff. I would much rather continue criticizing the AG’s position on doctrine and behavior without ever making an effort to really understand where the heritage of the denomination is coming from.”

However not all students and faculty were so pathetically apathetic nor laughably rebellious. Sophomore Nicole Wiseman told interviewers, “If you call yourself a member of the AG, I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to go see the new G Soup. We don’t have to worship him or anything, but it’s probably worth your time. And I think anyone who’s willing to say controversial stuff and ask tough questions better also be willing to listen to what the establishment has to say every once and a while.”

Student priorities continue to be in flux as the immediacy of homework and the awesomeness of that new FPS shooter shift in relevance. While the cause of this uncertainty is likely complicated and cannot be blamed wholly on one particular group, one theory seems to surface again and again: Since most chapels are boring and tedious, they deter students from actually attending the meetings that genuinely matter.

-WOODWARD