Pentecostals Accepting Ideas For Eleventh Commandment
BIBLE BELT, USA- Not to lose stride with Catholicism, who last month issued a list of 7 social sins to exist alongside the original 7 deadly sins, Pentecostals are now accepting ideas for an eleventh commandment. Here are a few early favorites for the coveted spot accompanied by some quick explanations
*Thou shalt not use substitutes that shadow a true evil.
(Basically everything is off limits. Fake swear words like frick, dang, rats, crud, and spit? Unacceptable. Drinking anything labeled a Soft-Drink? Unacceptable. Pre-Marital Masturbation? Don’t even think about it. Anything that is even close to looking, tasting, or acting like a sin is off limits.)
*Thou shalt hold no American Idol’s above Kelly Clarkson.
(She is the one true American Idol. Carrie Underwood is pretty good looking and moderately talented. I’d say
if Kelly was God, Carrie would definitely be Lucifer. Following this illustration Pop Music would be Heaven and Country Music would be Hell.)
*Thou shalt ne’er use the Golden Rule as an excuse to hit someone back.
(We’ve all tried it. Got smacked by a friend and slapped them back. Then using “Do unto others as they do unto you” as justification. Their rebuttal was usually “Don’t strike back’ is in the Bible too!” or “Turn the other cheek.” This is just further proof that you can manipulate scripture to support anything you damn well please.
*Thou shalt legalize Marijuana.
(The argument that “God made it, so how can it be wrong?” comes to fruition. A survey showed that everyone who has voted for this particular one also voted for “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band to replace “Amazing Grace” as the most popular Hymn.)
*Thou shalt…
(It’s your turn)
-Bernstein
Woodward
Bernstein
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm
“Thou shalt not use substitutes that shadow a true evil.” -that’s a good one, but I prefer it worded as “thou shalt not make a mockery of evil, thus making it more socially acceptable, because people do that all the fricken time.” It’s more descriptive and though it doesn’t quite capture the brevity of the KJV’s translation of Exodus 20, I think it gets to the heart of the holiness the Law demands of us. I would hope that as we institute this new commandment people would realize their lack of personal discipline (thus incurring wrath) when substituting “shoot” for more choice four letter words.
We should discuss how we intend to implement this new commandment, possibly as a interpretative footnote following the verses in Exodus 20, but I’m open to discussion.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Legalize it. Word.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 7:21 pm
while i have never smoked Marijuana it would be interesting to see what is going to happen once it is eventually legalized…. it honestly cant be worse than the affects that alcohol has on people.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 1:43 am
Thou Shalt Use Thy Turn Signals Whilst One is Changing Lanes
(We’ve all experienced some d-bag cutting in front of us without any preempted warning. You know the guy: the one that made you lose your salvation. It was a good thing you were on your way to church in the first place.)
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 1:49 am
Oh yeah,
I wish I was making this up. . . unfortunately, it is not so. . .
That picture of marijuana you intended to put into the blog, Bernstein. . .
Yep. Definitely blocked by the web-blocker. I quote:
Reason: one or more categories denied helper=’WebBlocker.7′ details=’Drugs, Alcohol & Tobacco’
Method: GET
Host: shop.grasscity.com
Path: /images/articles/marijuana-mar-com-1.jpg
This is the very reason we have satirical blogs towards North Central.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 2:24 am
Why stop at marijuana? Why not legalize all drugs?
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 2:27 am
That would be right out.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 8:17 am
the only reason they wouldn’t legalize marijuana is because you can’t tax herbs or something. so the government wouldn’t make any money off it.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Yes. That is the ONLY reason.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Thou Shalt Not Vote Democrat
(If this is a Pentecostal revision, we need to go with what Pentecostals tend to fight for the most when it comes to faith… and we all know that you aren’t a real pentecostal if you aren’t voting Republican every time. It needs to be a priority to remember that it’s all about issues like abortion and gay marriage, lest we fall into the trap of thinking we should vote about issues such as helping the poor)
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 6:05 pm
I think you’ve been paying too much attention to Tony Campolo.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 7:20 pm
…and Tony Campolo is certifiably insane. He indirectly (his wife directly however) supports homosexual marriage. His main argument for it (the one presented by Hmmm) contains a fallacy known as False Dilemma. For some reason he presents this issue in a way that it seems a person must either care about the poor or care about fighting abortion and homosexual marriage. It’s indirectly stated that you can’t do both. …and so we say “Let’s care for the poor! It’s the church’s job!” But then we decide that our method to do this should be to vote for people who will give more help to the poor. That’s what we’re doing to care for the poor? Voting for leaders who will give them non-existent money? Why don’t we instead uphold our Christian values opposing abortion and homosexuality, and help the poor ourselves? These two things aren’t mutually exclusive. There is no dilemma between the two.
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 9:30 pm
11. Thou shalt only vote according to 2 issues: abortion and homosexuality. For it is better to blindly accept the self-serving agenda of any country-club republican dancing around claiming to be pro-marriage/life than actually make decisions for thyself based on the entire platform.
Friday, April 11, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I didn’t get to hear Tony Campolo
But I’m sad I missed it!! I heard there was a girl in the last row holding on dearly to bubble wrap. Anyone know why?
Sunday, April 13, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I’m voting for Tony Campolo for President! Anyone who actually basis his opinions on Scriptural mandates rather than poorly thought political agendas is okay with me!