The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – North Central University’s IT department announced earlier today that it would be instating new parameters for its cutting-edge internet filtration system, code-named Watch Guard. As of 12:00 AM on April 9th, any attempt to browse the well known Calvinistic website www.desiringgod.org will result in the exception code line “One or more categories denied helper=’WebBlocker.3′ details=rivaltheologicalviewpoints’”

“We just want to keep our students safe from anything that might challenge their faith in the Sixteen Fundamental Truths,” explains IT Director Rhonda Birkheart. “It’s all apart of IT’s mission statement, ‘Purity through isolation’. People don’t give us enough credit around here, we are as vital to the spiritual integrity of this school as chapel is or even Foundations of Leadership class.”

While North Central students seemed to gladly accept the restriction of March Madness bracket contests in an effort to control the rampant gambling crisis on campus, the general response to this latest action has been mixed. “There is absolutely no way I’ll be able to get enough research for my paper on deviant cults now. And the Minneapolis Public Library is only open 45 minutes a week now due to budget restraints.” Fifth year Junior pastoral studies major Jeb Tindall complains.

North Central’s actions are well justified as the website in question blatantly displays a claim that visitors can find, “Books, sermons, articles, and more to help you find your joy in God.” With a little digging, students might unfortunately stumble upon sermons titled “God’s Good News Concerning His Son” and “Resist the Devil!”

Some sources say that instructions for the change came directly from Assemblies of God headquarters in Springfield, MO. These rumors were not able to be confirmed at press time. The outcome of this website blockage is unknown to us at this time, but whatever will happen is most likely unavoidable and was probably destined to happen since the beginning of time.

Written by a Guest Editor

Posted and edited by Bernstein