The Northern Plight

front page:

19 YEAR OLD FOUND UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SCRIPTURE, GETS BIBLE MINOR

local:

SINGLE ACT OF RANDOM KINDNESS NOT “BRINGING BACK CHIVALRY”

lifestyles:

STUDY SHOWS 79% OF YOUTH MAJORS SUFFER FROM SLIGHT CASE OF PEDOPHILIA

arts & entertainment:

NCU ROCKSTAR WRITES HIT SONG OF THE YEAR, CIRCA 2002

travel:

NINEdays TRIP TEMPORARILY FORGOTTEN UNTIL PICTURES GET DEVELOPED

source:

“SLASH AND DASH” MISUNDERSTANDING RESULTS IN 3 DEAD, 7 WOUNDED

opinion:

“I’m sick of douche bags always getting the girls.” - Jerry Lanchaster

53%- Felt bad because you weren’t paying attention and suddenly realized the speaker was crying.

23%- The speaker didn’t give any other options.

14%- Good chance to get some one on one time with that cute junior.

5%- Requirement for Foundations of Leadership class.

3%- Committed a sin in the last week.

2%- Thought concessions would be served afterwards.

Two months ago the first episode of the critically acclaimed Travis-TV weblog was showered with Youtube views as well as praise. Then disaster struck, along the same lines as most other fads and crazes its popularity and creative content has recently gone the way of the buffalo. (Not to Wyoming but to obscurity) The person most effected by the recent decline in Travis-TV ratings has probably been Travis’s agent/manager/merchandise coordinator Lucas Henjum.

“This has all happened at the worst possible time. Travis and I just dumped over 800 dollars into t-shirts, messenger bags, collectible plates, and even Travis-TV mouse-pads.” Henjum complains, “We ordered ‘em at the height of his popularity. We stood to make some decent cash. I honestly didn’t think the bottom would fall out this fast.”

Analyst’s believe Travis got too confident about the immense early success his weblog. Some say it all changed when he refused to record an episode specifically for the Youth Major Department Chapel on March 12, 2008. A member of the Youth Committee comments, “Yeah, we tried to contact Travis a few times, we just wanted him to talk about a few topics and kind of do a creative announcement for some upcoming events we had. He completely ignored all our phone calls and emails. We ended up having one of our own members record his own lampoon and it went over really well.”

The revelation that anyone can throw together a similar weblog and see similar success opened up the campus to other, better produced and more entertaining weblogs like the one mentioned above and The Baias Blog. A simple history lesson can prove the point that even though people will always remember the “first”, it rarely remains the best. Just look at The Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC, we all know who won that contest.

The bottom line is that Travis-TV will have to innovate or dissipate. But regardless Travis, we hoped you enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame as much as we enjoyed your first episode. God speed.

-Bernstein

It’s that time again. Spring College Days at NCU is upon us. So hide your Rated R movies and conceal your booze filled mini-fridge, it’s hosting high schoolers time. Here is a quick survival guide for both the attendees and college students on how to make the most of this wondrous weekend.

 Survival Tip #1- College Days is not about figuring out if you want to go to NCU. It is about figuring out if there is a member of the opposite sex pretty enough to make you come to NCU. (The chance that you will actually end up with that person is very slim, but don’t let that detour you from making the most impulsive and least cost effective decision of your life.)

Survival Tip #2- It is not your responsibility to babysit the High Schoolers who are forced to sleep in your dorm room. It is your responsibility to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible at all times. For instance, make up words and meanings to those words and use them with such frequency that the high schoolers start to use them too. (Words like Twaddle, Fuddle, or Grundel work wonders.)

Survival Tip #3- Making out should be your primary goal at College Days. If you are a high school male, plan on trying to make out with a college girl for the first few hours, then settling for a high school female after three or four rejections.

Survival Tip #4- If you plan on attending all the NCU sanctioned events, you should just plan on staying home. College Days is a time of freedom, unsolicited make out sessions, and bad choices derived from good intentions.

Survival Tip #5- If you sleep, you’ve wasted valuable time. If your an attendee, sleeping is wasting video game, flirting, eating, and meaningless socializing time. If you are a college student, sleeping is wasting video game, flirting, eating, meaningless socializing, and relentless pranking time. If you have a high school student that wakes up without BALLS, or a drawing of a penis on his face, you’ve fallen short of God’s plan for your life.

Survival Tip #6- Attendees: The excitement you feel towards NCU during these two days does in fact exist outside of the College Days bubble. It is referred to as Welcome Week and will quickly fade the first day of classes.

College Students: The disappointment you feel towards NCU during these two days does in fact exist outside of the College Days bubble. It is referred to as Every Other Day and won’t ever fade away.

Survival Tip #7- Anything that happens this weekend, or anyone you meet this weekend that seems to good to be true most likely is. For instance, he has oral herpes, she has a boyfriend that plays football, and everybody was actually laughing at you, not with you. Welcome to NCU!

Add you own Survival Tips in the comments…

Haha got ya! You were all just freaking out for a second, just admit it.

Alright, as sad as I am that Woodward has thrown in the satirical towel, I for one still have a semester (or two) left at NCU and definitely want to keep the Plight alive. As Woodward said, it has been an awesome ride and one of things I will cherish when I look back upon my years at NCU. With that being said, anyone who would like to contribute content for the Plight is more than welcome.(Now more than ever) I am not trying to replace Woodward, but having different perspectives is what has kept us fresh and new and I would like to keep it that way.

So if anyone is interested in writing for the Northern Plight, please send me an email a northernplight@gmail.com. Thanks so much for reading, it’s meant a lot to one inspiring writer and one future NCU Professor. (lol, totally kidding)