The Northern Plight

ELLIOT PARK, MINNEAPOLIS- That one kid who everyone is secretly jealous of was caught stealing a scarf from an undercover police officer Friday. Onlookers watched in horror as their stylistic hero, Kenny Malcolm, was forced into the back of a Minneapolis Police Department squad car. “I always wondered where his unique style came from,” one astonished NCU student commented, “but I never expected this. I just figured he knew someone who worked at Savers on Lake St.”

Police have been investigating numerous unprovoked attacks on the homeless in and around the Elliot Park neighborhood for the last 4 months. Malcolm was finally caught after an undercover sting operation profiled his preferred targets as mid to late 50’s homeless smokers wearing multiple layers of clothing. After 2 weeks of undercover scrounging, begging, bench sleeping, newspaper comforting, and shelter finding, MPD Lt. Barry McNamara finally got what he had been waiting for when he was jumped by the wiry kleptomaniac.

“I saw him coming and just kept pretending to sleep, when that vagrant went for my scarf I just slapped the cuffs on him. Game Over. It was a little less dramatic then I had expected.” McNamara explained.

Malcolm had been the apple of everyone’s eye at NCU all semester for his seemingly “cutting edge, retro sense of style” and unique combinations of tight pants, and old timey sweaters and stocking caps. Malcolm was unemployed and had no steady income, and a few of his fellow students had suspicions as to how he was affording all of his trendy outfits. “His family was never very wealthy, and he relied heavy on financial aid and scholarships to pay for tuition.” Malcolm’s best friend and roommate explains, “He would never wear an outfit more than one time. He knew he had a public to keep happy.”

Malcolm remains unavailable for comment. His mother and father issued a public statement earlier this morning explaining that they brought him up on a healthy dose of tolerance for the homeless. As a sign of good faith they are also petitioning to make February National Homeless History Month.

-Schroeder “The Integrity Corroder” Bernstein