The Northern Plight

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS - “This entire incident represents a gross misunderstanding,” explained NCU Freshmen Phillip Wadsworth’s Attorney to reporters on Saturday. “If anything, the founders of this club are the guilty ones for not making the ‘non-lethal’ clause of their charter more clear.”

Onlookers in Miller Hall were stunned last Friday when Children’s Ministry Major Chad Kerigg howled and stumbled violently to the hallway tiles in front of his 3rd period Old Testament class. Bystanders rushed to the prostrate boy to discover him dead on impact with an aboriginal dart jutting out from his neck. Witnesses then reported hearing a victorious adolescent voice from the ceiling tiles above, yelling “I win” and catching a glimpse of a camouflaged face staring down upon the scene.

The triumphant assailant was later identified as Freshmen Phillip Wadsworth of Madison, WI, a quiet boy from 5 West Carlson who is known by his floor mates for his impressive collection of Japanese Katana swords, strong opinions on the art of Bushido, and a religious devotion to reading the ‘Hagakure’ daily. Police have yet to release a report on the expertly executed kill, but many have speculated both the victim’s and the suspect’s membership in the “NCU Assissination Club” (an ongoing, organized game of Nerf war continuing throughout the semester) as a possible cause.

Despite the allegations of excessive force, Wadsworth’s lawyers remain defensive. “My client is a victim of the continuing prejudice on this campus against people who have difficulty differentiating between fiction and reality. Confusing playful foam dart battles for lethal force is a mistake any one of us could make. Yet when my client actually takes this assumption to the next logical next step and actually conducts an ambush (a damn good one too from what I can see) everyone suddenly wants to point the finger.”

-Woodward