The Northern Plight

PREACHER UTILIZES MOVIE CLIP EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN TO ILLUSTRATE POINT EVERYONE HAS ALREADY HEARD
FIRST EVANGELICAL CHURCH OF SOMEWHERE: After waiting for what seemed like ages for the sound man to get his act together, members of “New Hope Life Christ Center of God in the Valley” in St. Louis Park were treated to a pixelated, awkwardly framed scene from 1999’s “The Matrix.” You know, the part where Neo needs to choose between the red and blue pill, remember that part? Yeah. Of course you do. The scene was used as ‘creative appeal’ for ‘those artsy types’ to illustrate how we are faced with a decision between two worlds when we follow Christ, or something.

MINNEAPOLIS RANKED #1 FOR CITIES WHERE SMALL-TOWN, MIDWESTERN 20-SOMETHINGS GO TO GET HIP, LIBERAL
THE ELLIOTTS, MINNEAPOLIS - A recent study conducted by two super seniors at North Central University indicates that Minneapolis is the #1 city for the children of stoic, conservative, scandinavian-descended parents, to discover their own progressive leanings. Josiah Moore from Bloomer, WI pioneered the study when he sipped his Chianti, straightened his “Republicans For Obama” pin and remarked that his mom would probably kill him if she saw him right now. Josiah’s roommate, Caleb Reumann of Presho, South Dakota agreed and wondered aloud what his dad would think of that essay he’d written last semester about the book of Jonah being a parable and not actually happening. Both students agreed they’d never have arrived at such ideas at home and owed it all to their visits to Uptown, late night conversations in dim coffeeshops, and the influx of political bumper stickers rampant throughout the city.

SOPHOMORE OVER ANALYZES RESPONSE ON CRUSH’S FACEBOOK WALL
FLIRT DE ELECTRONIC, MN - Sophomore Tim Nieman has had a crush on freshmen Cassie Larson ever since he read her “note” about worshipping God with a pure heart last October. Last Thursday, the relationship escalated when Cassie left a message on Tim’s facebook wall, “thanks for the text message today!” After 18 minutes of agonizing over her initial message, sophomore Tim Nieman finally settled on, “your super welcome! sending texts are the best because they let you communicate without talking” as his response. “It’s enthusiastic yet non challant, but still informative” Nieman told reporters. He’s utilized facebook social dynamics to glean such vital information as Cassie’s cell number, her favorite Disney movies, and the degree to which she despises Foundations of Leadership. Nieman went on further to explain, “I wanted to let her know that I was happy that she was happy that I sent her a text. But I didn’t want to appear over eager or desperate. I left a few letters uncapitalized that should’ve been capitalized as if I wrote it really quick without thinking. My favorite part is the implied message underneath it all: that she should send me a text too.”

 - WOODWARD