The Northern Plight

OPTIMISTIC PUZZLE SOLVERS, USA - Last week, quixotic mathematicians in Crosby, ND announced the completion of a 3 year study of greek letter patterns in the New Testament book, Revelation. Utilizing increasingly complicated number-letter correspondences until they arrived at an answer they were looking for, the scientists have compiled an exhaustive content list they believe to be divine. The compelling data contains predictions of such events as the Kennedy assassination, the September 11th attacks, and the death of country music star John Denver. However, the team of 4 mathematicians/midwest crossword champions are most thrilled about an apparent “delicious confection recipe resembling a brownie” found in chapter 6.

“The data seems to suggest that while God is most certainly warning us about the four horsemen of the Apocalypse—he is also providing us with a quick 10 minute dessert that requires very little cleanup but will also make dinner guests think you spent hours in the kitchen,” said team leader and kind of nerdy guy Craig Gilmore.

The recipe can be found in the group’s 200 page report along with the date of the apocalypse, the outcome of the United States 2008 presidential election, the complete roster for the 1998 Boston Red Sox, and the identity of who borrowed your Zoolander DVD last semester without asking and never gave it back. While many herald the report as the best round of Bible misinterpretation fodder since the year 2000 rapture predictions, not all are so supportive.

Hebrew professor and fellow Bible code breaker Andrew Stevens is unimpressed by the study’s findings. “This study represents one more attempt by delusional Christians to make the Bible say stuff it was never meant to say. It’s a consequence of people who read the Bible and nothing else for years and years on end. Besides, everyone knows that the funnel cake my team found in Daniel 9 five years ago is the only truly sacred after-dinner treat that will keep your party guests asking for thirds.”

Currently, the Crosby team is making their findings available to the public at no charge. However, Hostess has expressed an interest in purchasing the brownie recipe and marketing it under the tentative brand, “Yahweh Cakes.”

- Woodward