The Northern Plight

NOTE: The author of this article is a regular opinion columnist for The Northerner school newspaper. Unfortunately, this article wont make it into the next issue due to timing issues with the school election. Not wanting to let a perfectly good article go to waste, he sent it to us to be circulated around the intertubes via our iBlog.

By: A Northerner Columnist

My friends, the fervor of political showboating has descended upon our University like a chirping chorus of swamp frogs croaking out grotesquely alluring calls in search of a mate. The politicians, pundits, pollsters, paper pushers and petty pranksters of the media have reduced our electoral process to a low budget, straight to video sequel of the summer blockbuster set down by our forefathers in generations past. I’m not describing the 2008 Presidential Election—everything seems pretty straight forward and above board with that as far as I can see. Nay students, I am referencing none other than the cut throat 2008 North Central Student Body President and Vice President contest of which you and I have regretfully (and yet perhaps fatefully) lived to participate in. Please, allow me to describe to you the gravity of our times:

It was only last week that I retreated to my treasured internet browser—a place millions have for years enjoyed as a haven for the purest and most innocent of subject matters—to discover the spread of this political taint. There, on my Facebook home screen, sitting below my status “is ho ho ho ” (ok, I haven’t changed it in a while) were not one but two invitations to join Groups dedicated to the election of two pairs of candidates for our Student Body elections. Lo, the loss of my innocence. Lo, the horrific reality and audacity of our electoral processes. Being in my fourth and final year at NCU I knew I would not be faced by such dire threats in the coming fall. However, I also knew it was my responsibility as a senior and an American citizen to act.

My countrymen, I write to you now in this desperate age as a herald of an alternative to the grim future you may see before you. Despite your fears, this is a day for bravery. There are yet two candidates that can rise above the mire of our battered system to bring us true student body representation. It is these two men whom I, though not necessarily this publication, endorse. These bastions of hope are none other that Lando Calrissian and NT Wright.

Lando Calrissian is an excellent choice for Student Body President in 2008 because of his extensive leadership experience and willingness to take risks. As Baron Administrator of the Cloud City on Bespin II, Calrissian has proven repeatedly his ability to “make it happen,” even in rough conditions. While many might question his sordid past, Calrissian considers his professional gambling, gun-running, and mercenary days as an advantage. Becoming respectable has built upon his character in ways any reformed scoundrel can relate to. Lando’s charming personality and quick wit helped him spare his mining colony from Imperial takeover during the Empire’s occupation. Additionally, Lando exhibited uncommon bravery when he piloted the Millenium Falcon and led an attack against the Imperial Death Star.

Nicholas Thomas Wright is an internationally sought scholar, speaker, and author. His experience as the Bishop of Durham makes him the best choice for Student Body Vice President in 2008. His professional experiences engaging in dialogue with other leading Jesus scholars like J. Dominic Crossan and Marcus Borg show his abilities as both an academic and an emissary. His numerous publications prove his devotion to the study of the gospel. To those who may question his qualifications as a candidate for this office since he is neither a student at North Central, nor living in the United States, I answer this: While NT Wright may not actually be our Vice President, he would most certainly fulfill the vocation of vice president. You’re simply not looking at him as he would’ve seemed in the context of first century palestine.

The North Central Student Body stands on the precipice of fate. Our children will judge us by the choices we make today. Be remembered as you want to be remembered; choose Lando Calrissian and NT Wright for North Central University!