The Northern Plight

Minneapolis, Minnesota- It’s time to shake the cobwebs off your worshiping arms and rediscover that prayer language. Christmas break is almost over and the altar at The Trask Word and Worship Center is waiting with open arms for all the NCU holiday backsliders. North Central University, known for its strict policies and take no prisoners disciplinary system will have it’s hands full next week as the students return from almost a month of debauchery and sin.

Christmas break, which used to be utilized for family gatherings and cut-throat games of Scrabble has been transformed into a paganistic ritual of binge drinking, frivolous expenditures and of course, gluttony. “I am expecting a lot of one on one sessions with my floormates,” one NCU resident adviser explains, “I’ll make sure they feel really bad about the mistakes they made over break. But then remind them of God’s mercy and forgiveness, hopefully in time for half-price appetizers at Applebees.”

Further preparation for this influx of forgiveness seekers includes; the first two rows will be removed from the chapel to expand the altar’s capacity, administration went to Sam’s Club to buy anointing oil instead of WalMart, and seven portable baptismal tanks will be filled and ready for any student who broke more than four of the ten commandments.

Whether or not these precautions will help NCU assume it’s “white as snow” reputation faster than previous years is still unknown. One student development personnel declares, “We are better prepared now then we ever have been. I can see the school getting back to it’s regulatory sinning outputs in record time. Maybe even by that first Friday if we get lucky.” Only time will tell.

“Luck is where opportunity meets preparation.” -Denzel Washington-

Sorry I don’t have much time… papers, projects, finals, homework… you all know how it is. Expect the Plight back in full force soon enough. Our apologies for the lack of updates and creativity. There is just something about writing 4 book reports for books you didn’t buy that sucks all the creative juices right out of you. You know what I mean. Merry Christmas/Festivus!

Oh and why we’re here together I may as well implore you to not go see the Golden Compass because it is basically the atheists Chronicles of Narnia. And you guys know how much Christians hate atheists. (I hope my sarcasm transcended through the airwaves, The Golden Compass is actually a really well written book and looks like an entertaining movie. There is however a legitimate backlash from Christians trying to boycott it because of atheistic ideals. Read the full story here.)

To boycott the movie go here. (I wish I was joking. But there is really a site.)

-Schroeder “Flying By the Seat of His Pants” Bernstein