The Northern Plight

THE ROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL, MINNEAPOLIS - Coming back from Thanksgiving break, the North Central University Registrar’s Office has announced its plans for implementing 5 new pointless forms for students and faculty to be responsible for. The announcement fits into the grand plan outlined by Registrar earlier this year for increasing busy work by 25%, doubling red tape counts, and decreasing overall student’s graduation rate by the year’s end.

In a press conference earlier this week, a spokesperson for the Registrar’s Office explained the reasoning behind the new additions. “We feel students are simply getting too used to our processes. Some are even showing up at our office with all the necessary forms already completed, with the regretfully sensible result of their requests being processed and approved promptly, without leftover hoops through which they’ll need to jump. As we’ve designed the registration process to be as arduous and complicated as possible, this simply can not continue.”

The announcement is a disappointing one for many students and faculty, who feel The Registrar’s Office should instead make it their goal to turn students into graduates as painlessly as possible. But such goals are “idealistic,” says one Registrar Team Member. “Painless graduation would dramatically decrease our paperwork, and then what would I have to file all day?”

FORMS TO BE ADDED THIS WEEK INCLUDE:

1. Extension Approval Form - Salmon
This form must be filled out by student and approved by a professor before the instructor can grant you an extension for a homework assignment. It is designed to monitor student procrastination.

2. Chapel Attendance Approval Form - Cantaloupe
This form must be filled out by every student who is planning on attending chapel at all this semester. As chapel attendance is required, every student will need to fill this out. Must be approved by a professor who’s name begins with C. It is designed to make sure students want to attend chapel enough to fill out a form in order to do it.

3. Change of Major Confirmation Form - Honeydew
After filling out the various forms necessary for changing your major, it will be necessary to fill out this form, just to make sure it’s what you really want to do. Must be signed by a former secretary in the Student Accounts office who now lives in New Hampshire. Faxed Copies not accepted. It is designed to discourage people from changing their major, since what they picked when they were an ignorant freshmen is probably the best plan.

4. Form Submittal Form - Carnation
This form must be submitted with all other forms being turned into the Registrar’s office, along with photocopies of all forms with which it is attached. Must be signed by yourself, 8 times in various locations. It is designed to drive you mad.

5. Mystery Form - Lavender
This form must be submitted at some point, for some reason, to someone at the Registrar’s Office. Students will be expected to complete this form appropriately without proper direction or prior notification. Must be signed by a specific person Registrar has chosen but will not tell you, whom is unaware of their election to the role. It is designed just for fun.

- WOODWARD