The Northern Plight

By: Fred Jones

Were you in chapel last Tuesday? I wasn’t going to go either, but I ran out of skips three weeks ago and decided I wouldn’t slash and dash for once. Anyway, while I was there, you know, doing the whole Christian worship thing, I noticed that a girl in the fourth row of the right hand middle section didn’t raise her hands during the entire worship portion of the service. Not even halfway. I, for one, am outraged.

The whole row was getting into it except for her. The girl three seats in from the left was performing the “bounce up and down while screaming, ‘We love you Jesus’ randomly and wave your arms fanatically like some ADD child on crack.” Even the obvious bitter agnostic emo guy had his arms spread wide and was swiveling back and forth as if a disturbed man who is tired of life, teetering over the edge, and deciding whether or not to end it all while humming the tune of “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. Yet this girl stood silently, barely mouthing the lyrics.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, when the speaker came up to prime the spiritual pump with the traditional prayer before the message, she slid her hands into her pockets as she slowly bowed her head to pray. Both hands! She might not have even had her eyes closed, but I shouldn’t speculate, after all, that would be gossiping.

With cases like these, it’s no wonder the New York Times gave the Assemblies of God church it’s own denomination in it’s recent poll of populations by religions. If we as an AG body are going to once again fall under our rightful denomination as a Pentecostal church, we need to cast out heretics like this. Honestly, no self-respecting Pentecostal church member would be caught dead worshipping in such a way that might be called “half-hearted.” If the members of this body aren’t putting on the most elaborate display of boisterous, self-righteous gallivanting possible, something has gone terribly wrong. I find myself wondering, with people like her, why even go to chapel?

When I think about this heretic, I remember the words of Christ so fondly; “Let he who has committed no sin cast the first stone.” I think this verse applies to the entire AG Church, and she is the sinner to be stoned.

As I exited my aisle in order to leave before the lunch rush hit me, I noticed that she too had gotten up to leave at 11:50. Obviously, she was too much of a hypocrite to stay late and be convicted for her transgressions. When I politely asked her what she thought of the service, she nonchalantly replied, “Good.” Real Pentecostal Christians would have used long sentences with really big words to show just how spiritual they are. Obviously someone is living a lie. And you know where liars go; the same place hypocrites and gossipers go. To paraphrase Luke 18:11, thank you Lord that I am not one of those.