Survival Guide: Being Gay at NCU
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – Homosexuality is a hot-topic in Christian circles today. Questions like: Should homosexuals be allowed in the church or to become leaders in the church? Is there really a homosexual gene? Is someone born or made into a homosexual? Regardless of the answers to these questions North Central University is still against the homosexual lifestyle and being caught practicing or participating in this lifestyle would result in expulsion or suspension from the University.
So here are a few survival tips for any homosexuals currently wading through the curriculum at the good ole’ NCU.
Survival Tip #1- You must become over involved in as many facets of North Central as humanly possible, including Student Leadership, SAC, Worship Bands, Emerging Leader Growth Group’s, Student Led Chapel, etc. If you are a vital aspect of the NCU community the fact that you are gay will be discarded as unimportant.
Survival Tip #2- Realize that most people already believe you are gay because everyone likes the word “Gaydar” and they like to assume they have perfect “Gaydar”.
Survival Tip #3- Have pictures of scantily clad yet semi-acceptable woman hanging around your dorm and bulletin board. Again everyone already assumes you are gay and are rooting for you.
Survival Tip #4- Make sure you don’t refer to an ‘off day’ when it comes to appearance as being a ‘scrubby’ day. On the contrary, you should refer to your well kept and prepared appearance days as flukes or “you woke up early and figured you’d look presentable” days.
Survival Tip #5- Pick a random sports team to become a super-fan of but never use the word ‘super’ to describe anything you are or do.
Survival Tip #6- Do not ‘out’ yourself on your Facebook or Myspace profile or photos. Remember, it’s better to pretend you’re something you’re not and be accepted then to be whom you really are and be condemned.
Survival Tip #7- Actually become saved for real and let God fix you because according to conservative Christianity you must be broken.
(Add your own survival tips!)
Woodward
Bernstein
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Survival Tip #8- Get as many people as you can to participate in events such as running into rooms naked and having shower parties. This way, if you are taken down and called out on it, you can take as many people down with you as possible.
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Well … I don’t know if you guys realize this or not … but homosexuality is unnatural! If you cannot create when having sex … then it is sinful. If you are gay … then you should probably spend every moment at the Worship Trask Center’s Altar.
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 2:57 pm
. . . create what?
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Wow, I had no idea. Right after we cram 6 of us into the showers for a shower party, I’ll get right on that whole Trask Worship Center Altar. Afterall, God isn’t willing to meet me anywhere else but there.
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 3:34 pm
“Afterall, God isn’t willing to meet me anywhere else but there.”
I’m pretty sure i’ve seen Him at the 90’s, it wasn’t planned or anything and he told me to refer to Him as “Beyonce” while He was there.
and i was only at the 90’s for…. a…. sociology project i’m working on for my sociological class about social stuff in society. yeah…
yeah….
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Well, I don’t know … we might have to get soulforce back here to help with your cause.
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 9:54 pm
hmm… i know a lot of gay people here at NCU… its obvious. I heard a great quote one time. “if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck it is probably a duck” same thing if your gay.
Friday, November 2, 2007 at 11:45 pm
my cat is named duck.
Saturday, November 3, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Well Pearl… i think we know what that means…
Saturday, November 3, 2007 at 7:26 pm
oh no…my cat is gay? we better bring her to the alter!
Saturday, November 3, 2007 at 8:15 pm
I had a roommate that was gay. Sophomore year. I used to wake up with him at the edge of my be looking at me. It was creepy. Cause we all know that gay people are creepy. Uh…. just kidding… meet you at the alter in the Worship of Trask Center…
Saturday, November 3, 2007 at 11:47 pm
#9: Be friends with as many girls as you possibly can. Not only will they have a new girlfriend with who they can sympathize about their boy troubles but they will also have someone to share “A Walk to Remember” and other assorted chick flicks with during open dorms.
Shallow Note: It’s important to be friends especially with good-looking girls - if you hang around too many “average” or “sub-standard” females, suspicions are bound to arise as most straight guys have some sort of standards, or at the very least, a level at which they refuse to sink to.
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 12:00 am
#10: If specializing in one of the major art forms emphasized at North Central (i.e. dance, music, theater, youth pastoring), be sure to remain as inconspicuous as possible. One Accord is out of the question, as is Worship Live (unless you stand in the back). Lead roles in the school’s plays are alright, provided you don’t try to use the girls’ dressing room because you can relate better. Dancing…well, it’s just out of the question, unless it directly involves partnering with a female in provocative styles such as salsa or another Latin variant. Interpretive dance, though tremendously appealing to you, is a dead giveaway.
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Thoughtful says: “Create what?”
Response: You obviously do not know because you are GAY.
Pearl Inez says: “… bring her to the alter.” (later repeated by ‘Jeff’
Response: Again Pearl you deceive the the nations with your destructive emo-isms. The area at the front where you would bring yourself to be consecrated and the location where an animal is slaughtered is called an “altar”. We would contrast this to an alter … which is a differently spelled word.
In result … “Jeff” was emo’d by your insipid ranting and believed that this holy location was called an alter. How dare you Pearl …
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Create . . .
(1) friendships
(2) passion
(3) good times
(4) memories
(5) problems
(6) __________
You fill in the blank . . .homosexuality seems to have the potential to “create” many things!
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 6:16 pm
(7) loose bowels
new and amazingly discusting std’s
(
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 6:25 pm
(9) Reality TV shows that seek to improve testosterone-laced crumudgeon.
(10) Broadway musicals.
(11) More reality TV shows that hope to find the next great “top model” or “project runway”
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 9:47 pm
(12) More groups that are either: pissed off Christianity; pissed off at gays; or pissed off at Christians who are pissed off at gays
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 11:46 pm
dear diary,
yoda is a poopface.
love always,
pearl
Monday, November 5, 2007 at 12:34 pm
We should invite Phelps to speak at chapel
Tuesday, November 6, 2007 at 12:07 pm
One of the highlights of my North Central experience was when I lived in Z House and two of my fellow “Zousers” prayed over my doorway and God told them I was Gay. Apparently, not only did God tell them I was gay but also instructed to go and tell the whole campus that I was, too.
Thank God for them!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Believe it or not, Macho Man Randy Savage once struggled with homosexuality. It was not to another man, however. It was to Macho Man’s own reflection in the mirror. Macho Man was so sexy, I just had to wonder how anyone could not want to pounce on that stud. Macho Man stood in front of the mirror for at least 4 straight hours in deep admiration.
But, Macho Man is also homophobic. Macho Man became very afraid of myself. Macho Man couldn’t handle the thought of myself touching myself. And yet, Macho Man was so beautiful, I could not stop wanting to.
Thankfully, with the help of Hulk Hogan, Macho Man discovered the antidote to homosexuality. It consisted of process meat in a tube.
Don’t be a queer. Snap into a Slim Jim.
Thursday, November 8, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Pearl started it back on November 3rd with all that talk about her gay cat . . . but I think I get it! Your misspelling of the word “altar” was really a play on words . . . “alter” . . . I get it!!!!
Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 9:15 pm
There’s nothing like a taste of parody in the midst of
true horror.
The tone of the article and comments takes
on a whole new meaning when you take into
account the culture of fear, bigotry,
self loathing, slander, and gossip reprisal at NCU.
As a graduate of the institution, (pastoral studies ‘04)
I know how scary and serious the problem there really is.
Hearing the jokes about this from NCUers is like
jokes about race from Jim Crow era Southerners.
I’m not slamming anyone here, or the Plight.
God only knows that humor is needed there more than
most places! I only hope that aside from pointing
out the foibles of NCU anonymously and in a humorous fashion (not a bad thing),
you take this chance to stand up and do the courageous,
dangerous, and right thing and stand up for the oppressed.
Eric Hanson
Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I had a gay roommate once. I hated him when he broke up with me.
Saturday, December 15, 2007 at 12:56 am
Good thoughts, Eric…my only thought in response is that the Bible specifically teaches that homosexuality is a sin, whereas those Jim Crow era Southerners and their racism is also preached against in the Bible (not directly, but one could make a great case against racism from the Word).
So…while I agree that jesting about the homosexuality issue isn’t a great idea, I have to point out that culturally, racism is wrong, as well as it is biblically wrong. However, homosexuality is biblically wrong, but is culturally right…so I disagree with your comparison of NCU to those Southerners. Doesn’t seem completely balanced.
Other than that…I’d say you’re dead on…except you didn’t need to post like you’re typing poetry…paragraphs are welcome here.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I hate this culture war thingy. I wish we could just love one another. Maybe the next spiritual wave will bring the right revival.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 3:53 pm
…I’m oppressed…for being a Capitalist by socialists with lisps.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 6:04 pm
You should all be ashamed of yourselves. If someone struggling with homosexuality doesn’t feel comfortable enough to even come to church how are they every going to change. And don’t give me that bullshit about them already being at a Christian school, there is a world outside of NCU filled with real people with real struggles and as a representative of GOD with supposedly the same character of GOD you sit here and condemn and make fun of them. This is a serious issue and I wish the body of Christ would get it’s head out of its ass enough to see you should be loving and encouraging to people who are hurting and need a touch of Jesus.
Oh, and PS homosexuality is a sin just like lying or your ignorance
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 6:16 pm
…do we really need to try and “change” them?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 6:18 pm
i think, as Christians, we need to accept homosexuals…because if we accept and love them they will know that maybe this God guy will accept and love them too.
p.s. ignorance is lack of knowledge…which is not a sin…
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 7:10 pm
When you say “You” Chels, who are you referring to?