Survival Guide: NCU Infested With Emos
UPTOWN, MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - The Emo has landed at North Central University. Not to be confused with an Emu, a large flightless bird native to Australia. An Emo, much like it’s avian counterpart is hard to define but easy to spot. They have become rampant at NCU over the past few years and now seem to outnumber the “normies”. Here is a quick survival guide to give you a few tips on how to handle this influx of bloody-sleeved, tear stained, mid to late adolescents.
Survival Tip #1- When you encounter an Emo, you have to make sure that you never label them or assume anything about them because they will just debunk your declarations with useless name dropping and a short list of bands you’ve never heard of.
Survival Tip #2-Emos come in all shapes and sizes, anywhere from the typical girl-pants wearing, swoopy haired little boys or
the slightly overweight stylish, seemingly confident but deftly insecure girls. Sometimes the “indie” label is welcome, but to be sure you should just make known how much you enjoy their style and if that scarf was on sale at Urban Outfitters or still 37 dollars.
Survival Tip #3- To survive in the world of Emos you must completely avoid talking about music, coffee and Wes Anderson. The only other option is to spend hours online listening to snippets of bands and studying their track listings with hopes that you don’t enter into a conversation with a dedicated and fully-matured Emo.
Survival Tip #4-You must not get too close or they will rub off on you. There is a reason that this third-wave Emo movement has seen so much more mainstream adolescent success than its predecessors from the mid 1980’s and 1990’s.
Survival Tip #5-If you give an Emo an inch, expect them to not take it because that is what everyone else would do.
Survival Tip #6- The only tried and true way to find safety from the Emos is to wear a solid color polo with the collar firmly popped. Even though their whispers of judgment will sometimes fall upon your ears, just know that their automatic snap judgments will also distance them from the idea of ever approaching you.
Survival Tip #7-One fact about the Emos that they will never admit is that there is no such thing as ’strength in numbers’ in their Emo world. No matter how many of them there are, they are still way to insecure to ever approach someone from a different fad. That is unless it is an Emo boy approaching the Typical Prep Hottie, or if they need to bum an American Spirit.
-BERNSTEIN
(add your survival tips in the comments)
Woodward
Bernstein
Friday, October 19, 2007 at 9:02 pm
I love this article … and I hate people who LISTEN TO EMO MUSIC
Saturday, October 20, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Survival Tip #8: Never look an emo directly in the eyes. It may cause them to cry.
Saturday, October 20, 2007 at 5:21 pm
survival tip 9: wear sports logos as emo repellent
Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 2:43 am
I spy a typo: “Surviavl Tip #6″.
Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 2:57 am
#10- If you bring up the word angst be ready to hear their whole life story and how the world hates them because their ‘96 honda civics check engine light is on and how their Mom was never there or how they don’t have any friends and….just don’t do it.
Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 11:21 am
fixed.
now leave a proper comment
Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 1:31 pm
First, an Emo joke:
How many Emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they all just sit in the dark and write songs about it.
Second…
Rule 11: Emo kids often have tragic backgrounds, as previously mentioned in Pearl’s post. Most of the time, they come from white middle class suburban homes where the outsider would say that they had everything going right, but Emos deny it all. Emos know the truth: growing up in the ‘burbs is the hardest life possible, and the only way to survive is to cry, cut, and compose. Be sensitive to this.
Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Emo - what an awesome topic!
As an uptowner, I as well have noticed the emo takeover both there and on campus. I have stereotyped emos into three no fail identifiers.
1) Their hair is usually short and spiky, or the “I just rolled out of bed, even though it took me 20 minutes to do my hair after I got out of the shower” similar to girls in pajama pants at class, but with full makeup on.
It doesn’t do any good to try to talk them out of it, it just makes them want to make it messier.
2) They carry a messanger bag with them at all times. Some have buttons, some don’t. But this isn’t just any messenger bag, it’s from the salvation army, a second hand store, or from an army surplus store. Never imply you saw the same bag at Target, when an emo feels cornered they will attack, however only with their knowledge of bands, or travel, which isn’t really that scary.
3) Emos all have blogs. They write in them almost day. They secretly watch how many friends they have on facebook, or myspace, or youtube, and pretend like they don’t care.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 6:09 am
Just be thankful to the Almighty you only have to deal with the emo kids….for now. The hipsters are on their way folks. They’re on their way.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 10:48 am
Thank God christian culture is usually half a decade behind. I just don’t think i could handle hipsters right now.
Thursday, October 25, 2007 at 1:09 pm
when I walk by those emo kids … I want to emo them in the vagina.
Thursday, October 25, 2007 at 11:01 pm
how does one “emo” someone else?
Thursday, October 25, 2007 at 11:44 pm
when you address me … I feel Emo’d
Friday, October 26, 2007 at 12:55 am
does that mean you emote things?
Saturday, October 27, 2007 at 12:05 pm
lol peal ttyl
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 9:39 am
I think this is well unfair yea emos may be dull and wear alot of black boo hoo…x
but are still people!!! w,.e!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 10:05 am
don’t confuse emos with goths.
emo = conner oberst
goth = gerard way circa “Bullets” and kinda “Three Cheers”
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 11:12 am
Ahh. I wish my grass was emo. Then it would cut itself.
I know it’s wrong, but yet, so right.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 11:26 am
Stop emo on emo crime!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Conor Oberst* (nicetry)
Monday, November 5, 2007 at 2:42 pm
nice (space) try* nicetry
Monday, November 12, 2007 at 12:30 pm
this is so mean on emos my boyfriend is an emo and i dont blame him his had a horrible live so dont just put people into a group for how the dress and what they wear
Monday, November 12, 2007 at 1:05 pm
wait… is your boyfriend an emu? or an emo? please specify.
Monday, November 12, 2007 at 10:22 pm
I’m sure your boyfriend’s tragic middle class suburban life was just terrible for him! I mean, God forbid he should come home to dinner on the table in his dad’s $300,000 house with the mortgage almost paid off!
And if life ever got too hard…like his parents asked him to clean his room, he could always hop into his ‘94 Honda civic and drive to the lake only a mile away for some solitude.
Yeah…that would make me wear girl pants, get a stupid haircut, cut myself, and find a girlfriend named “lile”…
Life sure is rough.
Monday, November 12, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Oh, and might I add…
“his had a horrible live”
…?
He may be Emo, but I bet he can speak English better than you type it.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007 at 10:45 am
ouch
Even I felt the sting from all of that way over here…
Tuesday, November 13, 2007 at 2:35 pm
omg that’s sooo sad…. it would be even more sad if she turned him down!!! i like it tho!!
Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 6:18 am
Why you all people are just so sad, if you don’t know an emo or have been one your self then you do not know what it is like. Then you are just f*ck ups trying to make yourselves bigger by downsizing the majority of people who could not care less of what you do. And they are probably having the very same discussion about you which you couldn’t care less about. Just because you do not understand it, does not mean that it is different from you.
It is just their choice to control weaknesses; it hurts less to be denied for something you put that’s not you than something that is you.
Saturday, November 17, 2007 at 11:33 am
“Then you are just f*ck ups trying to make yourselves bigger by downsizing the majority of people who could not care less of what you do.”
Can we clarify who “you” are. Cause I would like to know if I am being called a f*ck up.
Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 2:54 am
ZOMG! what curse word is that I can’t tell with the * in place of the vowel!!
thanks for the censor… my virgin eyes just can’t take that kind of vulgar typage.
Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 3:10 pm
hi, im an english emo and i dont reli know what emo’s are like in america but here im the UK they are very common and really respected. we dont constantly talk about music and you can get close to us without turning emo, we also dont all have blogs or carry messenger bags and most of us dont even have, as you put it, ‘tragic backgrounds’. we are just normal kids who listen to a certain type of music and wear certain types of cloths, just like skaters, boffs (i think you call them nerds or geeks), chavs ( i think you call them preps but im not sure) and every other group that exists.
Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 5:33 pm
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
My new favorite comment.
Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 11:58 pm
I find this entire site funny, which i find odd, because i used to be an emo. I would like to say though that there are different kinds. For some it’s just a style, some enjoy writing poetry, some cut, and some are just in it for the attention. In my opinion the ones looking for attention should be shot. The ones doing it for a fashion statement look good. I don’t mind the music. I never dressed like it, and if you talked to me, you would never guess i was emo. I cut, i liked the music and i wrote poetry. Do you find me as pathetic as the emos you were talking about?
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 4:30 am
ZOMG, this is so funny. i am maybe, kinda an emo, but i know worse people than me for it. i don’t listen to half of the ’small’ bands out there, so don’t be so ‘intimidated’ by my pure knowledge of teh emo tunes. oh i am from England btw and the emos here make me happy, in a sick kind of way (i laff at their internal pain). i don’t wear the clothes but i might start. do emos in america all wear black nail polish and black lipstick? cuz most of them do over here. and i just want to say how cute that pic is ‘i give you my heart’.
lol poetry, saddos. i don’t write poetry, i knife random objects around me. its relaxng. i want to know if american emos get the abuse in the street like they do over here, i was walking down a road with 2 emo girls and i got called a ‘wrist slitter’ 6 times by chavs (kinda like wannabe ganksters) and i had ‘EMO, EMO, EMO’ yelled at me. i am kinda strange i guess, even for an emo, cuz i LOVE what people yell at me, it just maks me so sad. feel free to pick at everythng i’ve said because i don’t care what u people think, oh and it is spelt ‘colour’
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 5:39 am
I’ve depressed myself.
there is a smiley at the bottom of this page, i want it DEAD.
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 11:20 am
honestly, emo’s don’t really get made fun of over here that much. In america a lot of what was ‘emo’ two-three years ago is turning into ‘indie’ style. Its all extremely hard to explain. I would say what you described with the black clothes and lipstick would be called goth over here still. But ya… everyone at one point or another has wanted a taste of the emo-ness that has taken over, just admit it. and buy the new Say Anything record “In Defense of the Genre”
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 6:15 pm
I find this insulting. yes we have our worlds but you dont have to avoid us. We wont “rub off on you”. you guys are such losers to believe this crap. we may be insucure but we have are reasons.who ever wrote this must be retarded.
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Ok. This site started of as a nice clean joke, which was ok. Then halfway through the replies things started to go a little far. It is ok to joke about a group. But when you begin putting them down or heavily insulting them… that is when it goes over the line. Also, money does not make happiness Mr. Ed Rockwell. As a matter of fact, usually the more money you have the worse off you are. I have seen many wealthy families that have abusive parents. The children may have money, but their life sucks. So, instead of bashing them just to make yourself feel better, why don’t you go cry to your friends about how much your life sucks. As it would seem from your need to put down other groups of people to make yourself feel better.
On a side note. I will not come back to this site, so do not bother replying to this thread as I will never see it again. But then again, if you need to get in the last word feel free. It won’t make a hell of a difference in the long run.
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 7:19 pm
the advanced stages of the emo virus drive the victim to extreme acts of lashing out and result in the bearer’s complete inability to take a joke.
Monday, November 19, 2007 at 8:29 pm
why are we judging the site because of comments made from readers? Thomas, it’s time for a high five.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 9:33 am
lol. i went emo BECAUSE some emos rubbed off on me, thomas is stupid. i have money, my parents rule, but i still manage to find ways to get depressed. i don’t TRY to depress myself, but i can’t help it. Oh and emo jokes RULE even the realy hurtful ones. (i can take a joke)
woodward u r funny.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 9:46 am
BOB is stupid too…
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 1:24 pm
im from england and yh im emo…and yh we were black but not all of us cut ourselfs and yh i write poems but so does my m8s that are chavs. serisoly america u gotta sort it out ppl are diffrent GET OVER IT and not all emos are rich like i come from a council estate and im emo and i dnt have a car or any think liek that
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 3:49 pm
i hate chavs…
(WHY AM I STILL HERE???)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 5:18 pm
is that a philosophical question or a literal one.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 12:32 am
haha i get it! Thomas and high fives..thats funny..
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 12:54 am
I couldn’t help but laugh several times as I was reading these responses.
First of all, to “God is just an imaginary…” I would say this - if you really didn’t care, then you probably wouldn’t have gotten so upset about these postings. Nice try though.
You British Emo kids - you guys sound like you’re pretty cool, especially Alien. The true believer of a path is one who has embraced it so much that he (or she) can point out all of its most stupid attributes but won’t change his/her views regardless. (Like the founders of the Northern Plight…perhaps?) So cheers to you all in England!
Thomas…wow. First of all, try speaking in full sentences; it makes things easier for people who can read and write proper English to understand you. Second of all (and yes, that was somewhat of a cheap shot, but I’ll take what I can get), I emerged from the exact household I described, if not with quite a bit more dysfunction, and I’m better now than I ever was then!
And for the record, I was merely making a generalized and somewhat over-the-top joke about “tough lives” that emo people allegedly often have. Well…maybe no one’s told them about the hundreds of millions of people around the world who won’t get enough to eat tonight…makes any emo’s life seem pretty good when you look at that.
Okay…now I’ve successfully defended my honor, re-bashed the emos (except the British ones…they’re exempt because they seem cool), and made them feel guilty about feeling bad for themselves (as well as the rest of us). Carry on.
Oh! I forgot about Bob!
“insucure” isn’t a word, and just because the Black Eyed Peas used the word “retarded” in a song doesn’t mean that you know how to use it correctly. No one here is retarded, Bob, not even you. So stop drooling on your keyboard and go play with your squeaky toy.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 12:54 am
Oh, and Alien and Woodward - I appreciate the support from y’all. Cheers.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 1:05 am
lawl…ilu ed.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 2:15 am
Pearl…please translate what you just typed. I’m not as fluent in Instant Messaging lingo as I used to be.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 6:57 am
TY ED! what did pearl say there anyway, it makes no sense!!!!
i agree with just about everything u said! and i have to say, ur first post, in my opinion, didn’t need defending. And yes, if we took a long hard look at our lives we probably would have a greater apreciation (Oh god please thell me i spelled that right) for what we have. Bernstein, i was saying that i have spent too much time on the internet recently, and i was questioning myself as to why i was doing it. (Damn i bore myself)
‘emo nightmear’, what can i say to that. its only natural for people of one group to dislike those of another. i hate chavs, they hate me. the system works! (unless it involves some kind of racial killing, then it has gone TOO far) but i still say that emo jokes rule. i told my (non-emo) freind Womble (don’t ask why his name is womble) the emo joke posted by Ed, he thought it was great. he then told me that i have too much time on my hands and suggested i see a therapist to fill in my weekly timetable.
another question that is on my mind about Americans. Do Americans use the word ‘bollocks’ or is it just us Brits? cuz i spoke an American kid who had not heard the word in his entire, 14 year, life!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 7:02 am
i answer a question posed by pearl early on during this discussion. to ‘emo’ someone else… hmm…. i would say, either ‘converting’ someone or to knife the shit out of them.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 2:41 pm
lawl= lol = laughing out loud (the new cool way)
ilu= I love you (romance is blossoming omg!)
omg= oh my go(sh)d
ed= Ed Rockwell (aka frequent comment poster on The Northern Plight)
aka = also known as
Also important: (even though not used here)
ftw= for the win!!
Let’s use more of that last one. I like it.
Translate this and you win:
(stfunoobsomgwtfidgiruforreelzyo?lawljpbffiluirlmmkay?NPftw!ttyl<3)
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 3:52 pm
what u said FTW!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1
The stuff in the brackets means that u need to get laid…
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Umm….
Lemme try this:
shut the f*** up you noobs (meaning amateurs) oh my gosh what the f*** (the “idgi” is a mystery) are you for real, yo?
laugh out loud, just playing best friends forever I love you (irl is a mystery) mmkay? = okay?
No problem for the win! Talk to you later! and this “<3″ is a heart, signifying that you love me.
I think i got at least 90% of it. And Alien - I love you, but it’s “appreciate” with two p’s.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 5:36 pm
idgi- I don’t get it
irl= In real life
and
tldr= too long didn’t read
(i’ve seen/said that a few times on here)
pwnd
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 5:38 pm
total pwnage nooblet
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 6:43 pm
np is usually no problem however in this case it was capitalized so it meant Northern Plight
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 6:45 pm
P.S. let’s try this game using l337 speak next! Anyone? Anyone??
Thursday, November 22, 2007 at 1:36 am
…No…I’m done with this. Let’s ridicule Emos again instead.
Thursday, November 22, 2007 at 3:22 am
another problem with my kind / emos is that we (usually) type with any grasp on the English language.
Thursday, November 22, 2007 at 4:50 am
lol… i meant to say WITHOUT… shining example of emo intelligence right here… :’(
Thursday, November 22, 2007 at 7:59 pm
If You Are Emo Or Trying To Be Emo Never Go Out With Prepy’s
(They Creep Me Out. To Happy. And Doesn’t Listen To Rock. Not Emo, Punk, Heavy Metal, Or Any Rock)
Thursday, November 22, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Do Emos Capitalize Everything Too?
Friday, November 23, 2007 at 1:34 am
Yes… And
They Put Random
Spaces (orlackofspaces) In WhateverTheyWrite…
and i’m prettysure
that their ‘Enter’ key
works REALLY…
well.
Friday, November 23, 2007 at 6:27 am
i love my enter key. it does the job every time.
i don’t capitalise things, unless i wnat to emphisize something or because i’m angry
some people use their capslock because they think it looks good, hence the phrase commonly quoted in the saddo forum things i’ve been on ‘i lOVE mY cAPSLOCK’
Friday, November 23, 2007 at 6:52 am
i’m 15, at my high school (other english people will think ‘wtf’ but on the isle of wight there is primary, middle and high schools, rather than primary then secondary), as i was saying before i rudely interrupted myself was that at my high school the staff are trying to ’stamp out’ emo by putting up displays with stupid quotes on them like ‘be who you want to be, not who others choose to see’. upon seeing this i thought: ok. i want to be emo (i don’t like big changes
). the other people around me see me as an emo too. so far so good. not when you are on an island only 20 miles wide and 11 long. there tends to be a lot of inbreeding (allbeit non intentional (note: NOT ME!!!)) on the IoW, so they r so f*cked up they think that they can be giant robots if they want.
choice: emo? or dilousinal (another bad spelling) inbred who thinks they can be a robot?
EMO EVERY TIME!!
Monday, November 26, 2007 at 4:15 pm
emo is unhealthy… and if i could, i would send em’ all to heaven since hell’s too emo for them…
i once saw an emo and i almost puked… what is it with them!?!? i mean, dude!!! UR CUTTING UR GODAMN WRISTS!!!
whatever… i’d write a longer emo-critic comment but this thing is making me sick…
one more thing… save the cheerleader save the world…
Monday, November 26, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Sylar is anti-Emo because he likes cutting other people.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 at 12:04 am
what have emos ever done to you? i thought that you said they are into self hurting…so i think you would be in the clear…
ps not all “emos” slit their wrists just because someone is preppy doesn’t mean they go to frat parties and binge drink and just because some is called goth doesn’t mean they drink bats blood…stereotyping is fun but only within reason. relax, kiddo.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 at 6:58 pm
So black my wrists and cut my eyes…
…or something like that.
Now if I could only get out of these pants….
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Yeah you guys are FUNNY. Nobody is emo if they call themselves emo. If they call themselves emo, then they are just FUNNY posers. I’m not EMO. But alot of people think I am, just because I dye my hair black to see if blondes have more fun. And I am having a HEAP of alot more fun than an emo. Emo’s are annoying, and preps are MOST LIKELY worst. Preps talk with the word ‘like’ between every other word for girls, and guys. They LIKE TO talk about football HORSE POOP and preppy stupid girls, And people who call other people goth is just SORT OF stupid, Goth is a FUNKY German Tribe, so when someone says I’m goth, I would say “No you FUNNY PERSON, I’m Visigoth” “That makes no since” “then you don’t know what goth is you UNINTELLIGENT MAMMAL”
Stop the FUNNY conformity you asinine farcical stupid ignorant PEOPLES. You are all ridiculous.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at 10:24 pm
The above comment has been heavily edited due to extreme language and vulgarity. A few curse words never hurt anybody. But using them with that frequency just makes you seem unintelligent.
Any word that is in all caps in the above article has been changed except EMO in the second line. If you want to see the original post just add F*ck, F*cking, or Dumb Sh*t into each fully capitalized word.
I apologize for anyone’s virgin eyes that came across the original post.
Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 2:05 am
…you unintelligent mammal.
Thursday, November 29, 2007 at 2:08 am
This discussion should’ve ended a long time ago. I’ve finally closed it.
Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 6:43 am
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