The Northern Plight

‘THAT GUY’ STEERS CLASS DISCUSSION TOWARDS SUBJECT OF OWN EXPERTISE AGAIN
FOR SOME REASON EVERY CLASS YOU’RE IN, MINNEAPOLIS - Resident expert on all things unrelated, Stephen Kohler, left peers speechless yesterday when he killed a class discussion about Paul’s view of women in ministry by first telling a personal story only slightly related to the topic, then rebutting a non-present opponent’s arguments for Calvinism. “His stories are just so specific, I have no idea how to respond,” said one peer who had something interesting to say about cultural variance before completely forgetting it in the midst of Kohler’s monologue. Professor Carvey admits he is helpless in the face of such overwhelming triviality. “It’d be easier to keep the class on subject if Stephen didn’t have a comment on everything I said including ‘good morning’ and ‘please allow someone else to share.’”

NCU TO FIX CAMPUS PARKING PROBLEM BY DECLARING ‘OWNING CAR’ A SIN
ELLIOT AVE., DOWNTOWN - Complaints about limited parking by both residents and commuters this semester have pushed North Central to form a committee to solve the problem. Early reports indicate that the committee will be proposing school legislation outlining the “ownership of a motor vehicle” sinful in the eyes of the Lord, presumably to minimize the amount of cars needing to be parked. The rule will take effect as soon as Student Leadership can be suitably persuaded to act like owning a car isn’t cool anyway. As an extra benefit, the Student Life Department is delighted to have another method for identifying rebellious students simply by paging through parking permit applications for the spring.

ACTS 2:2-4 RETIRES, PENTECOSTALS ACCEPTING RESUMES FOR NEW BANNER PASSAGE
THE ETHER BETWEEN EXEGESIS AND EISEGESIS - “It’s been a good run, and I have no regrets,” said premier passage Acts 2:2-4 through tearful eyes at a retirement party of his closest friends and family. “You Pentecostals have been so good to me over the years, and the wind, fire, and tongues I’ve brought over the past century just isn’t enough to say thank you.” Acts 2:2-4 cites family as his principe reason for leaving full time, vocational quotation. Meanwhile Pentecostal Fellowships around the world struggle to find a new verse to preach on. “Of course we’ll never be able to replace Acts 2:2-4,” says one preacher. “but we’re optimistic we’ll find someone in there [The Bible] that can stand in. We’re optimistic about that young kid Acts 19:6, but I’m just not sure he has the power we need.” Acts 2:2-4 and his wife Acts 1:8 plan on moving back to their hometown of Cleveland.

STUDENT COMPARES EVERY BOOK HE READS TO HATCHET
CARLSON HALL, MINNEAPOLIS - Freshmen Gary Smalley has thus far written two book reports and three in class short answers relating the class text to Gary Paulsen’s high school english staple, Hatchet. “Who knew The Scarlet Letter had so much in common with Hatchet?” says Smalley who admits the Paulsen story of survival in the Canadian wilderness is the only book he read in it’s entirety in high school. “Descriptive language, symbolism, motifs, it’s all there. This is intertextual criticism at its very best!” Smalley is now attempting a similar feat involving “Peter and the Wolf” and his entire Music Theory I curriculum.

TWIN CITIES, MN - Traveling Evangelist Darren Gage rocketed into town this week with the fanfare and promotions regularly reserved for celebrities and rock stars. Utilizing loosely topical testimonies, charismatic regressions, and a well polished conclusion, Gage successfully brought more then half the crowd congregated at First Assembly Church in Minneapolis to the altar in response to a vague call to experience God. Pastor of First Assembly of more then 20 years, Nathan Cross, was delighted with the response of his congregation but afraid of the aftermath.

“I love it when Darren comes in to town. I swear, sometimes I feel like it’s the only time I feel God all year,” said long time First Assembly attender Jason Irving.

“Darren Gage makes being a Christian seem so easy and fun. I don’t want to criticize, but sometimes Pastor Nathan makes it all so complicated. Plus, Darren is so funny!” observed one attendee who described herself as new to “this church thing.”

Like a fun-loving, free-spirited uncle who spoils his sister’s kids with candy the rare times he’s in town, Evangelist Darren Gage came and went this week. Questions and memories of that epic weekend are likely to be compared to the less explosive Biblical discipleship and community normally taught on Sunday mornings for weeks to come. Last year, parishioners were quoted discussing the size of the spider in Darren Gage’s Africa story well into the Christmas season. This year, it is likely the discussion will continue, as Gage told a similar story, this time of a spider in South America whom he rebuked with the same passage of scripture. At this time it is unclear whether the Evangelist had 2 separate experiences with spiders, or if the same demonic spider followed him transatlantic.

“In recent years on the foreign aid field, there has been a movement towards development rather than aid,” explained Pastor Nathan Cross quite matter-of-fact and unfunnily.

“People have found they have more success teaching people how to grow food, rather then simply dropping it off and leaving,” he added without a single tear jerking anecdote.

“It creates a culture of independence rather then dependence on someone else for sustenance. Unfortunately, it requires more time, and often a relationship with those that need help,” he continued, though I was quite ready for the interview to be done, and was already thinking about lunch.

“I wonder if there’s something we can learn from them.” He added thoughtfully staring off into space rather then accusingly glaring into my eyes. - WOODWARD

front page:
COMMUTER WAKES UP, TURNS OFF ALARM, GOES BACK TO SLEEP

local:
TWO FRESHMEN SEEN WALKING TOGETHER, PRESUMED DATING

arts & entertainment:
CHORALE WHITTLED DOWN INTO QUARTET

lifestyles:
MALE NUDITY ESSENTIAL TO MALE BONDING

business:
NCU COFFEE SHOP FAILING BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS IT EXISTS

health:
LITERAL HEART ONLY FIGURATIVELY BROKEN

opinion:
“I BASICALLY TEACH MY STRATEGIC MANAGEMENT CLASS” -ALAN KARRER

MINNEHAHA FALLS, MINNEAPOLIS - Representatives of Heaven were thrown into turmoil this morning to discover the Omnipotent creator of the Universe had been directly misquoted last night at Minnehaha Falls Park in Minneapolis. Reports indicate idealistic NCU student Trevor Bankman informed on-again/off-again girlfriend of 5 months Natalie Hill that God had told him they were supposed to get married.

“We just have this amazing connection.” Bankman was reported to have told his roommate later, “How could God not be telling me I’m going to marry her?”

Freshmen Hill, who’s already been told the supposed words of Jehovah 48 times this year counting daily chapel services, Praise Gatherings, Life Core events, and the daily email newsletter she gets from an internet prayer ministry, was more in the habit of pleasant-sounding messages from God that require minimal commitment, rather then precise instruction relating directly to her. However, not wanting to miss a direct order from Yahweh, The God of Abraham and Isaac, Hill is open to this new development. “I didn’t even really like him that much but if God wants it to happen, who am I to disagree?”

At this time, it is unclear whether Trevor simply misheard The Lord Almighty while reading his Bible or if he indeed intentionally wished to manipulate the words of The Alpha and Omega. “Quoting God often provides us with that extra push we need to get our opinions turned into facts,” said a spokesperson for Zion to reporters gathered at the pearly gates this morning. “So citizens of both the physical Universe and the spiritual realm can rest assured that we are investigating this matter to the best of our ability. Being that Yahweh is all knowing, it shouldn’t take too long.”

Such a flagrant miscommunication is not without precedent. At last count, God is, in fact, the most commonly misquoted being in human history with the possible exception of Common Sense or Ben Franklin. The Lion of Judah has been misquoted as justifying wars, human slavery, racism, the creation of nations, the destruction of nations, genocide, thievery, unfair punishment, unparented children, gluttony, greed, droll TV shows, bad music, boring public speakers, dull books, cheap merchandise, unnecessary purchases, ugly art, and a reason for hippies to cut their hair.

Only one person really knows what God told Trevor Bankman Sunday night in regards to his future with Natalie Hill. That person happens to be me because, well, God told me. - WOODWARD

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