The Northern Plight

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.

“I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don’t repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever.” Innock told reporters later that day, “I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?”

Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn’t support it.

“That’s kind of what bothered me,” Innock said later, “I’m not sure yet, but I think there’s a strong case to at least talk about it.” Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that “the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb,” and to Malachi 4 where it states “the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch.”

It was at this point what has since been called “The Pause” descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. “It was horrible,” said one student, “One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed.”

“It’s not what we believe in the AG,” was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn’t come up again for the remainder of the class period. “I would’ve liked to at least discussed it,” said one Senior after, “if only to be sure of what I already believe.”

In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. “I hope no one thinks I’m a universalist or worse, a liberal for this,” Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.

Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD

POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!