The Northern Plight

THE CORNER OF ELLIOT AVE AND HIGH EXPECTATIONS, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - With the 2007 - 2008 academic year swiftly approaching commencement, no one is more anxious to begin than the Freshman class of 2012. Precarious cinder-block stacked furniture, inaugural high fives with Thomas, and wandering eyes for the opposite sex abounded this week as hundreds of first years destined for graduation, transfer, or dropout piled into Northcentral dormitories. For most students, college is the first time they will live outside of their parents’ homes and bear new levels of responsibility. Despite their limited experience, many freshmen have already gathered ideas on what the next year has for them.

“I’ll probably have some early academic enthusiasm that will taper off somewhere in mid-October after the first time I stay up all night for no reason,” said Youth Development Major Nick Sarafan as he carried a box of XBox components into his Carlson dorm room. “I mean, hey, it’s college dude, no parents!”

“I’ve already written three songs about girls I’ve seen walk down those stairs,” said one Music Performance Major seated in the Phillipps Hall with his acoustic guitar balanced on his knee. “I’ve got big plans to fall in love with the first girl that shows me a little attention and hastily bring about an engagement before January, only to have it break off in the spring when God calls her to be a missionary in Mongolia.”

Some students have dreams of their college experience extending outside the borders of Northcentral. “God’s going to use me to bring Minneapolis to its knees in prayer!” exclaimed ecstatic Freshmen Evangelism major William Kraker arranging his Nooma videos in numerical order in his new Phillipps dorm room. “I’m not being metaphorical here, honest. Every single person on the streets on this city will be praising His name by Spring, you’ll see. Now, where are my Books of Hope?”

William’s randomly assigned roommate arrived later smelling of tobacco and Orbitz gum. “I”ll have a rebellious attitude most of first semester and criticize Northcentral’s strict rules. Frankly, I’m just too apathetic to stand up to my conservative parents who think this school will straighten me out,” he muttered after calling dibs on the bottom bunk. “I hope they gave me a cool roommate,” he added.

Amidst the varied voices describing their assorted hopes and fears, the response of freshmen Elementary Education Major Nicole Wiseman seemed exceptionally unique. “I think I’ll just try to take what’s good and leave the stuff that’s bad,” she told reporters calmly. “I’m sure I’ll make some great friendships but I wont let them get in the way of my education, after all that’s why I’m here.” As for the rules, Nicole says she can’t complain. “I chose to go to this school, if I’m taking everything else, I’ve gotta take the rules too.” Nicole concluded the interview smiling with some clarification, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to change some of the old thinking and unfair stereotypes around here. Some of those rules are pretty silly!” - WOODWARD

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MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - North Central University is a private Christian college in the heart of Minneapolis. It’s code of conduct is referred to as “The NCU Way” and paints a clear picture of what the school expects from Students, Staff, and Faculty. Activities and lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, use of drugs, dancing, gambling, premarital sexual activity, homosexuality, and swearing are strictly prohibited and ’supposedly’ wreak swift consequences.

Fourth year Junior Jonathon Allford was recently confronted about smelling like tobacco products upon returning home from a nearby Cinema and had to meet with his RA Jonas Fletcher. “I was expecting to get reamed out hardcore about smoking but we actually only talked about that situation for like 30 seconds,” Allford explains, “Then Jonas kept asking me to be a DL (Discipleship Leader) on the floor next year.”

Allford is not the first student whose disciplinary meeting was more similar to an interview than an actual corrective action discussion. “I didn’t even have to write a paper or do housekeeping duties to ‘work off’ getting caught watching an R-Rated movie in the dorms,” one student reflected, “I just said I would think about applying to be in leadership and take the Leadership Development class offered in the Spring.” The purpose behind this way of handling disciplinary action seems to remain unclear.

The Student Development department at North Central declined to comment, but a former member contacted the Northern Plight office and explained that NCU believes very strongly that the best way to help people recover from their ‘wicked ways’ is to put them in charge of their confused and vulnerable peers. Whether or not this tactic is working is still unknown. Though Allford has yet to turn in his application to be a DL and has been reported as having a very “Lysol’y” citrus smell to him. -BERNSTEIN

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.

“I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don’t repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever.” Innock told reporters later that day, “I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?”

Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn’t support it.

“That’s kind of what bothered me,” Innock said later, “I’m not sure yet, but I think there’s a strong case to at least talk about it.” Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that “the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb,” and to Malachi 4 where it states “the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch.”

It was at this point what has since been called “The Pause” descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. “It was horrible,” said one student, “One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed.”

“It’s not what we believe in the AG,” was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn’t come up again for the remainder of the class period. “I would’ve liked to at least discussed it,” said one Senior after, “if only to be sure of what I already believe.”

In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. “I hope no one thinks I’m a universalist or worse, a liberal for this,” Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.

Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD

POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!

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