The Northern Plight

By: Caleb Jeremiah Sieverson Youth Ministry Major

OPINION - Hello Ladies, Pastor’s Kid Caleb Jeremiah from First Assembly in Wannamakieoutie Wisconsin (it’s close to Milwaukee) has arrived at North Central, and I’m here to win your heart. Check out my semi-defined biceps when I wear my asian-theme printed athletic cut t-shirt. This summer my older brother kind of taught me how to play guitar and I learned just enough to almost play “No One Loves Me Like You” by Jars of Clay so I can sing for you in the back stairwell of Phillips Hall in between Halo 2 games with my suitemates. Yes ma’am, just tell me you feel called to ministry too, and we’ll dream about the youth camp we’re going to found together over half price appetizers at Applebee’s downtown.

Are any of you in Old Testament 2nd period this semester? I’ll be there, and I’ll be your group project partner. We can sit next to each other in the back row and trade stories about why we stayed out past curfew the night before. Hey baby, if you’re out too late just send me a text message (Kelly Clarkson is my ringtone for you) and I’ll sneak down to the back door and let you in so you don’t get any late points. No need to thank me, that’s just the way I am. I’ll probably have to come down with my shirt off though, since you woke me up and all.

Well gotta go look at myself in the mirror. Look me up on Facebook, mySpace, Bebo, blogger, Xiaonei, youtube, Flickr, Friendster, MeetUp, Passado, Stumbleupon, or Xanga. Later.

In a recent survey of North Central University in Minneapolis, Minnesota, an astonishing 100% of students surveyed did not wash their hands after they used the lavatories.^ Not only does this statistic sicken the likes of anyone unlucky enough to know of or even step foot in NCU, it also leaves an unwelcome taste in the mouths of any non-Christians that view these students as earthly representations of what it means to model an existence after Jesus Christ.

The survey was conducted in the Phillips Hall bathroom at around 2:34 on a mild, Midwestern afternoon, with purely good intentions. The unsettling results have sent a shockwave through the community and one can only hope that NCU will issue a reactionary and apologetic statement in regards to these effectively horrendous findings. Christians refer to their terrestrial bodies as vessels or ‘temples’ that figuratively ‘house’ Jesus Christ, their ‘savior.’ So the fact that these little townhouses of the Lord could be walking around with fecal matter scattered on their hands does not bode well for Christians in the forum of positive representation concerning their beliefs and lifestyles.

If an outsider comes across this report, a misinterpretation of what it really means to be Christian in today’s world is sure to follow shortly. If they don’t have clean hands how could they have clean souls? What kind of discipline can a Christian have if they can’t spend thirty seconds sanitizing their own hands? Questions of this caliber would certainly be on the edge of their tongue, as doubts about the integrity of Christianity would begin to creep into their crowded mind. Once the facts were in, I had to check out ground zero and I myself went and used the exact same facility where the survey took place. Let’s just say that I hope to God, that the person who used the stall before me was vigorously eating a Milky Way before they decided to use the hand rail… - Bernstein

^ (The survey taken lasted 30 seconds and 1 of 1 people surveyed did not in fact wash their hands, thus 100% of the North Central population does not regularly wash their hands. It makes sense, trust me.)

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Onlookers were stunned today when 2 North Central Students and some guy they met at a coffee shop somewhere were spontaneously crushed in the jaws of the double wooden doors connecting Phillips and Miller Halls. Although investigators have yet to release more specific details, the evidence suggests that someone in their entourage utilized the handicap access button normally used to open the doors for disabled users, when the doors suddenly shut at a high enough velocity to crush the skulls of all three students passing through the archway. Early autopsies indicate none of the three in the party were disabled before the accident and a lack of debris in the general area suggests all three had their hands available to them to to push the doors open like a normal human being might.

“Handicap doors are fickle entities,” a spokesperson for EasyAccess the manufacturer of the doors in question, said later, “they can only take so many undisabled auto-openings before they snap.” The doors themselves were unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for North Central later said to reporters, “We’re currently forming an exploratory committee to investigate the cause of these accidents and develop a plan for prevention to be released some time first quarter next year. Students are advised to avoid use of all doors until that later unspecified date - or for Chrissake, stop pushing the button unless you need to.”

Cassie Holmquist BFF of one of the victims, Kristi Hunter, was quoted after the accident as thinking that Megan and that guy she met at the coffee shop were “just friends.” - Woodward